Filet It.

Twenty-four hours from now, a group of brave men will caulk the wagon, ford the river, and avoid dysentery. Oregon Trail, it is not. Trout season it is. For a quick recap – the first three sentences included an Oregon Trail reference and two straight Yoda statements. But all are true. Take that to the bank and smoke it.

I have really started to get into this idea of fishing. So much so that I have named my rod (grow up). Its name ceases to be Ugly Stik Quantum as of this moment (9:41 a.m.) and will be instead ……………… Candace Sturgeon. I expect Candace to bring in a haul of trout that would make the men of Deadliest Catch jealous. There are only a few things that I am presently worried about.

1) Sharks
2) Vengeful Trout siblings and lovers
3) Fish Commission Gestapo
4) The weather

The two I am most worried about from that list are the Fish Commission and sharks. I will start with sharks. As I understand it, we will be standing in quick moving water up to approximately our knees. So as not to scare the fish, it is supposedly imperative to keep completely still under water. And judging by the muddy consistency of most of the creek beds I have been around, I would give us an 84% chance of sinking into the ground enough to be effectively stuck. Should a shark make its way downstream during this critical stage of trout fishing, a catastrophe would surely follow. I have already spoken with the local paramedics and the National Fish and Wildlife Association, and both are on alert for shark sightings in the area.

As for the Fish Commission, word on the streets is they have more power than police, the Armed Forces, and President George Bush. Combined. From what I understand, they have been behind every major conflict of the past 30 years. Any time you apply for a loan, the Fish Commission approves or denies it. If you remove the tag from your mattress, expect a Fish Commission representative at your door within 48 hours. The Fish commission was behind the sinking of the Titanic AND the subsequent James Cameron documentary on finding it. I am worried that tomorrow morning, just as Candace Sturgeon and I pull in an 8 foot striped trout, Lawrence B. Lawenforcement of the Fish Commission Secret Opening Day of Trout Creek Enforcement Unit Team, or FCSODTCEUT as they like to be known, will knock me over and cause me to be attacked by a shark. This would be the opposite of good. To put it bluntly, I know I will be lacking in the etiquette department and I’m a little worried that my trout stamp will fall out of its holder and I’ll have to spend 9 years in the tributary of a penitentiary for Wrongful Wrangling of a Creek Trout.

The goods, however, far outweigh the bads in the world of fishing. I expect to make a meal of 5 gorgeous trout. I expect to start listening to this song (courtesy of my buddy Diddy) WAY more often: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8O3Plt8DyMk (side note – please note the stonewashed denim looking guitar). And I expect that when it comes to for me to tie that blood knot while its 38 degrees and raining and fish are scurrying around at my feet, that I will tie the single greatest blood knot ever.

Tuesday Tidbits – Wednesday Edition

NEWS

Imus Issue – What he said or what he looks like?

I would not normally weigh in on this topic, but have you seen this man? Could there be a more amazing looking human? He looks like Robert Redford, the senior citizen version, beaten with a claw hammer, Frodo Baggins hair, plus a ten-gallon hat. He also bears a strange resemblance to Mason Verger of Hannibal fame. And to hear him talk you would swear that he had monumental amounts of dental surgery and has just left the gauze and cotton in there for safekeeping. That or his foot is still stuck in there somewhere. Obviously what he said is deplorable on every level. It is offensive to African Americans, women, and Italian women who have similar hair to African American women.

But I am confused as to which part is more offensive – the implied racial innuendo or the shot at women? The media seems to be tilting towards the race side, while the actual victims of the rant, the Rutgers women’s basketball team, has publicly stated its disapproval for both parts, although they seem to be taking a stand together as women first. If Imus was going for comedy, he missed as wide right as Scott Norwood. If he was at all serious, he needs some counseling. He will never escape this episode unscathed, if he does at all.

But why no backlash for the people who do this for a living? Why no CNN appearances to be reprimanded by the media for the music industry who has made billions of dollars off demeaning women, especially black women? Imus’ statement, “nappy headed ho’s,” should be offensive to the public. And if the victims themselves, the women of the Rutgers basketball team, decide they are offended (and they should be), then let us make the ugliest man in radio an example. However, it is irresponsible and hypocritical to publicly scold Don Imus for his comments about women, specifically black women, and turn around to hand Ludacris an award for putting a beat behind his.

Civil War Reenactments: The South Loses Again

I recently met the friend of a friend who told a friend that his profession is: Civil War Reenactments. This raises over a thousand questions according to Google Mind, but I will focus on a few.

1) Who would want to reenact a loser? The south, thankfully, ate it hard during the actual Civil War. And you would have to think the North would have the upper hand in the reenactment as well. So who are the people signing up to fake pain and death as the North continues their 150 year dominance? I am almost 100% sure, that if they reenacted the entire war from start to finish, the outcome would be similar to historical fact. Conspiracy theory: The south, embarrassed by a poor showing in the first go-round, is sponsoring the reenactments to find weaknesses in the North strategy and will at some point attempt to overthrow the North with muskets and Winchesters and a rebuilt Monitor or Merrimac (don’t remember which one was which and actual Google is not cooperating). Outcome: North 2, South 0.

2) Is this not the dumbest thing in the world? Answer: Yes. Why? Check out the web-site http://www.battleofselma.com/. Take the time to read the opening page and I will point out some highlights. The heading reads, “Welcome to the 20th Anniversary of the Battle of Selma Official Website.” In actuality, the Battle of Selma occurred on April 2, 1865 (Google is working again). So using the web-site’s math book: 2007 – 1865 = 20. This is good, because yesterday when I had $30 in my wallet and spent $18, I was worried that I only had $12 left. However, I know now that I have $73.

In addition, the organizers invite you to attend, “as the Confederate troops defend the breastworks against the Yankee invaders.” What is a breastwork? Anyone care to weigh in? I’m not touching that one (pun may or may not have been intended). Memo to the organizers: The Yankee “invaders” would not have been there had the South not been a baby and not sulked off to start their own nation. Grow up d-bags, this was, and is still your fault.

3) Back to the first point – the South lost. Since this is apparently starting a trend, I will be holding a Super Bowl XXX reenactment next weekend at a yet to be determined location where Steeler fans can reenact Neil O’Donnell’s touchdown passes to Larry Brown. Enjoy. Actually, this would be more like reenacting the past 14 Pirate seasons – pointless and a little bit masochistic.

4) For those interested in a schedule of stupidity, please check out http://www.sutler.net/eventlist.asp.


SPORTS


Pirates Coverage ’07 – When Talk Radio Attacks

I watched most of the Pirates 3-2 extra innings loss to the St. Louis Cardinals last night. Turns out, that was not my biggest mistake of the evening. I also tuned in on the radio side to listen to Rocco DeMaro’s after-party. DeMaro was analyzing some of the Pirate’s breakdowns that led to their demise. To his credit, he was right on in criticizing Pirate left-fielder Jason Bay for throwing to the wrong base on a fly-out in the 9th inning. With runners on first and second and a fly ball that was hit deep enough for the runner on second to tag up, the throw should have been towards second base in order to keep the runner on first from getting into scoring position. Bay, who possesses the arm of a T-Rex, should have known better.

However, DeMaro also criticized Jim Tracy for having Jack Wilson attempt a bunt with runners on first and second base, and no outs in the bottom half of the 10th inning that would have put runners on second and third with one out and the Freddy Sanchez and Jason Bay to follow. DeMaro claims that by the “numbers” this was a play that should have never happened. I am not a Jim Tracy fan by any means. However, this was undoubtedly the right play. The execution can be debated (it was awful), but the decision (it was a good one) should not.

Watching on TV, first basemen Albert Pujols was also charging. The shortstop broke for third during the pitchers windup, with the second basemen doing the same towards first base. This left one person covering 2/3’s of the infield. Wilson bunted directly to charging Cardinals third basemen Scott Spezio, who turned and easily through out the runner advancing to third. This, the execution, was terrible. If Wilson had bunted anywhere but either baseline, it is likely the play would have worked in the Pirates favor. Had he pulled the bat back and slapped the ball past the pitcher, the game would have been over. He did neither and the Pirates failed to score. Bunting in that situation would have left the Pirates with two runners in scoring position with one out, the heart of the order coming to bat, and no ready made double plays to help the Cardinals to escape from the inning. Freddy Sanchez could have brought the run home with a ground ball, a fly ball to the outfield or a hit. The Cardinals would have likely walked Sanchez to give them a force at every base, but the prospect of facing Jason Bay – he of the 100-plus RBI season a year ago – with the bases loaded and one out. For a team that will continually struggle to score runs, putting as many runners in scoring position is the best bet and Tracy’s call for a bunt in that situation would have done just that. DeMaro, for all his baseball bravado and awkward on-air flirtations, should have reconsidered the situation and team involved before going by his mysterious book of numbers – the one he constantly referred to, but never cited.

Penguins – PLAYoffs?!? PlayOFFS?!?

Yup, playoffs. And as my college roommates Tall Eric and Eamon will tell you, I love playoff. In addition, I can tell you the weather outside without leaving the house. But I digress. The Penguins take to the ice tonight at 7:08 p.m. in Ottawa for the first time in too long and a chance to show off one my favorite things: playoff beards. These are grown by hockey players as their teams embark on the playoff journey for Lord Stanley’s Cup. The Penguins, however, with teenagers like Sidney Crosby, Jordan Staal, and Evgeni Malkin probably won’t be looking like the guys from ZZ Top. In fact, they will be lucky to have 6 noticeable chin hairs. But this is a tradition that should definitely be put into other facets of life. Hitting a rough patch in a relationship? Playoff beard. Big meeting coming up at work? Playoff beard. Can’t lose the weight you want? Playoff beard. Usually, the playoff beard is most effective when used in collaboration with other people on the same side or team. So this can even apply to entire companies. Bad fourth quarter projections? Company playoff beards (women included – stop waxing your upper lip and grow ‘em). Going on trial? Lawyer and defendant playoff beards. In all facets of life, we should use the playoff beard as a motivational tool. As for the game itself, Pens win 4-2 on the road to take a 1-0 series lead into Saturday.

Tuesday Tidbits - Thursday Edition

Tuesday Tidbits – Thursday Edition

- I am taking up fishing. And this picture is what I will catch. A hammerhead shark, a blue fish with a hat, a merwoman and a Naval Officer. I will do all of this using an Ugly Stik with a Quantum reel, 6 lb. line with off the charts drag, lots of blood knots, hip waders, a dream-worthy fishing vest, two-tone bi-level split cast dreadlocked Rappala lures, and brute force casting techniques I have developed in my basement since I was 8. But I seriously am taking up fishing.

Things I knew about fishing:
1) It is done in or around water.
2) It is fun.
3) Fishermen have vests that hold anything and everything under the sun, including modes of transportation.

Things I didn’t know about fishing:
1) A lot.
2) You need a Hicktionary to understand the jargon.
3) It is borderline impossible to take up fishing without knowing a seasoned vet.

So last night my buddy Diddy and I spent two hours in Gander Mountain with our resident veteran fisher and friend Rick, who clearly doesn’t know what he is getting himself into. Gander Mountain, for those of you who haven’t been there, is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Camouflage. If Chevy were to build the worlds most giant pickup truck, Gander Mountain is basically everything that would be in the bed. And rumor has it, even this is significantly less than what the mythical southern-heaven destination of Cabela’s offers. Needless to say, I am excited to eventually go there and get lost only to realize that every tracking device and GPS system in the world is there to help me back to civilization. But Rick was able to get us uniformed for Trout’s opening day, which falls the first Saturday after Easter and will mark the first time in my life I have stayed up all night playing cards, drinking, smoking a cigar AND THEN gone fishing for 3 hours. Watch out trout – you have exactly a little more than one week! More on this soon….

- I caught a 10 minute segment of Donny Deutsch’s show The Big Idea on MSNBC the other night, during which the following transpired. A woman in a brown leotard, skirt and Uggs, sitting across from Deutsch as his guest, revealed herself as a hand model. (This is amazing for two reasons. One - I named this one of my top 5 jobs to have when I was in hike school and two – she was a complete nut job.) The segment included a mini contest in which Deutsch would show an ad that uses hands and/or feet to sell a product and this woman would determine what emotional vibes you could construe from the picture. Completely ignoring the fact that it was, in fact, the colors or products that determined the attitude of the ad, the woman proceeded to convince the nodding Deutsch that her feet were suggestive, sensual, and flirty. He agreed. Then, the woman removed her protective gloves (They were long pink gloves like you would use to clean with, probably made by Rubbermaid) and Uggs to show off her goods. This made for the most awkward TV of the week as a salivating Deutsch asked to touch her feet. The segment then quickly turned into a weird PG-13 rated Fetish Flick and caused me enough second hand embarrassment that I changed the channel. Sorry, but watching middle aged men touch crazy people’s feet is a weekend activity for me.

- Earlier in the week, during my entirely too long Pirate Preview, I mentioned Steve Blass, Lanny Frattare, Greg Brown, and Bob Walk as the Pirates main broadcasters and somehow missed mentioning John Wehner. Wehner, a Pittsburgh native, was a huge success in Pittsburgh because he sounds awkward and doesn’t pronahnce words right. Sorry John. You were a favorite Bucco of mine and every other Pittsburgh kid.

Pirates Preview '07: Build a Moat Around Your Optimism

It is hard to write a preview for the Buccos after so much has happened this season. As it stands now the Pirates are projected to go 162-0. Adam LaRoche would strike out 648 times, but be offset by record setting years by Jason Bay, Xavier Nady, and Nate Mclouth who would check in with 162 homeruns; and Bay with 324 RBI. Zach Duke would have zero strikeouts and the Pirates would make no errors. This would go a long way towards winning a championship in my mind. Problem is, that was only one game. Optimism abounds, and rightfully so, after a gritty performance in a place where they previously were 11-42 all time. It should, however, be a guarded optimism as there are many question marks and variables beyond anyone’s control. Take, for instance, Jose Castillo’s weight. Currently svelte, Castillo may decide to have a Primanti delivered to him 3 times a day for the remainder of the season and turn into the Venezuelan Revolting Blob. This remains to be seen, but we will be breaking down the Bucs position by position starting with …

This Ain’t a Scene; It’s a Central Division Arms Race – Pirate Pitching ‘07

Zach Duke, Ian Snell, Paul Maholm, Tom Gorzellany and Tony Armas Jr. One of these pitchers is not like the others; one of these pitchers just doesn’t belong. The Pirates start the year with four home grown horses, a black sheep, and guarded optimism for a unit coming off a pretty strong second half of the season in ’06, but a slightly less productive spring. Potentially this rotation could get the Pirates to the playoffs, but the thing about potential is it can easily go unfulfilled. Zach Duke is not a Major League staff ace. He’s just not. He doesn’t have the stuff and judging by his work in the opener, we may be looking at Jimmy Anderson strikeout numbers. However, he is gutsy, tough and has enough to be successful in this rotation. Snell is coming off a mini-breakout year in ’06, and with the best pure “stuff” on the staff has the best potential to be staff ace. He finished 14-11, but his ERA fluttered near 5 in ‘06. With a full year of experience for Snell, this should be the “step forward” year, and with his stuff it would not be out of the question for him to finish with 16 or 17 wins and close to 200 strikeouts. If he can avoid the big inning … well there’s that cautious optimism (change up). Maholm is in much the same boat as Duke. Decent, not spectacular stuff, but a good make up and the ability to win 12-15, mostly because of his off speed pitches. Gorzellany has the best arsenal of all the lefty starters, but had a miserable spring and not a ton of MLB experience. He is a toss up in this rotation. Armas Jr. is a veteran who Pirate fans should best remember as the man Aramis Ramirez threw his helmet at back in the day, and is coming off a year in which his ERA was over 5, his strikeouts under 100 and his win percentage was … bad. He, too, is a toss up. This is one of the top two or three staffs in the Central Division, with the only drawback a noticeable lack of a Carlos Zambrano, Roy Oswalt, or Chris Carpenter-like ace. 2008 Name to Remember: Brad Lincoln.

High

Duke: 16-10 3.75 138 k’s

Snell: 18-9 3.23 204 k’s

Maholm: 13-10 4.00 168 k’s

Gorzellany: 15-12 3.89 184 k’s

Armas Jr.: 11-11 4.30 135 k’s

Low

Duke: 9-14 4.86 7 k’s

Snell: 11-16 5.03 170 k’s

Maholm: 8-16 5.24 140 k’s

Gorzellany: 9-15 5.84 170 k’s

Armas Jr.: 6-13 5.75 96 k’s

Expect the bullpen to be strong again with Capps eventually overtaking Solomon Torres for the closer role. The big question will be, with one of the two of them handling the 9th inning, who will make up either Torres’ 94 or Capps’ 85 appearances. One of those roles will need to be filled and judging from opening day, it looks to be Jonah Bayliss who will replace Torres as the 7th inning set up guy. The Pirates will have good lefty/righty balance out of the pen with Damaso Marte, Juan Perez, and the currently injured John Grabow from the left side and Torres, Capps, Bayliss, Shawn Chacon and the Paleolithic John Wasdin from the right. Expect a Josh Sharpless sighting sooner than later – the Wasdin experiment (band name) shouldn’t last long. All in all, a solid group here.

We Three … Catchers? Pirate Backstops ‘07

This discussion starts and ends with Ronny “Pope Ron Paul” Paulino (nickname courtesy of my buddy Eamon, who after deciding whether he likes a player or not the first time he sees them can create insane nicknames – others include his use of Josb, pronounced ‘Hose-bee’ for either Jose Bautista or Jose Castillo, can’t remember which one). He will hit .300, his power numbers will go up and he will handle the pitchers as well as a young catcher possibly can. Backing him up, stunningly, is Humberto Cota. He is a mediocre catcher and a single A hitter who constantly falls arse backwards into a roster spot. An automatic 0-4 can be penciled in next to his name in the lineup. The wild-card here, and seemingly everywhere, is Ryan Doumit. Doumit was once considered the Pirates next big thing, tearing up AA and AAA pitching on his way to the major leagues. Unfortunately Doumit has since torn numerous things, many of them body parts. Injuries allowed Pope Ron Paul to bypass him, but this is a potential .290 25 hr guy who will get most of his at bats in back up and primary pinch hitting roles. I wouldn’t expect big things until he gets consistent at bats, but the potential is there. The problem here is he won’t get those at bats. His primary position is catcher, where he is average defensively. Those starts will go to Paulino and, gulp, Cota (hopefully 3 total starts for Cota). He has been tried at first base, not great, and right field, not good. Because of his limited and below average major league stats, he is not worthy trade bait at this point and may be destined to be this team’s Lloyd McClendon – a catcher/utility/just a pinch hitter. Name for future reference: Steve Lerud.

The Ramsey Lewis Trio’s “In” Field – Pirate Infield ‘07

The infield the Pirates trot out onto the field every day should be among the best defensive units in baseball; just don’t expect them to win any batting titles. Well, except for that one last year. And possibly this year. But seriously, the Buccos are strong at the corner positions with Jose Bautista (for now) and Adam LaRoche (forever). Bautista has great range and a cannon arm and LaRoche has … a glove. On his hand. And he uses it. Well. Up the middle, the combination of Jack Wilson at short stop, Freddy Sanchez at second base, and Jose Castillo at McDonald’s will be top notch as it has been for the past 3 years. Last night’s opener showcased their abilities well, with three above average double plays and constant defensive solidity (another band name?) which will only help the young and potentially erratic pitchers. Sanchez is starting the year on the disabled list, but should return in similar form to last year. In addition, Pirate players rub his mole for good luck before every game (“BAD FORM,” yells Captain Hook). Until Sanchez is back, Castillo will get a chance to beat out Bautista for the other infield spot, even though Jim Tracy said Bautista won it in Spring Training. Clearly Tracy wasn’t watching, but more on that later. With a healthy Sanchez, one of those two will be the top back-up at second base and third base with the remaining infield bench spot being a duel between Brad Eldred and Pittsburgh’s own Don Kelly, the 6’7 89 lb. former Detroit Tiger minor-leaguer. No worries about a backup at first base with as many as four current players able to play the position (Nady, Eldred, Doumit, and LaRoche). Castillo and Sanchez are both capable at shortstop, so no worries there either.

Offensively, LaRoche will hit, although a 4 k performance in his first showing did little to prove that. But he does have a track record and the short porch in right field at PNC Park and will be close to 40 hr’s by the time its over. He may strike out 200 times, but alas, he likes hunting. That’s about all I could come up with. Sanchez will be a great place setter and hit over .300, though not as high as last year; Wilson will be frustrating; and Bautista/Castillo could be a huge toss up. Both have power potential, but both are anything but good major league hitters. Eldred should stay on the big club and give scary power from the bench and they all hit just well enough to be considered productive. Name to remember: Brian Bixler. Highs and lows for the projected starters:

High

LaRoche: .293 41 hrs 104 rbi

Sanchez: .330 9 hrs 84 rbi
Wilson: .290 12 hrs 60 rbi

Bautista: .268 24 hrs 75 rbi

Low

LaRoche: .265 26 hrs 80 rbi (2,256 k's)

Sanchez: .305 5 hrs 52 rbi

Wilson: .258 6 hrs 40 rbi

Bautista: .238 15 hrs 52 rbi

Waiting (Waiting), Waiting on the Starters To Change – Pirate Outfield ‘07

Jason Bay is the worst great player in the league. I know you think that doesn’t make sense, but trust me, it does. He is in the top 10 of offensive players in baseball in most offensive categories, yet I can not think of one of the other 9 who is so maddening to watch. Take for instance last night’s game, in which Bay’s first at bat lasted as long as Taylor Hicks’ career. Four pitches, 30 seconds and it was over. Pertinent stats from ’06: .286 avg. 35 hrs 109 rbi with an on base percentage of .396. OPS? .928. 102 walks. Ridiculous right? So were his 156 strikeouts. That is 156 at bats where the ball was not put in play. 50 of those strikeouts came with runners in scoring position, and with but 161 at bats in that situation, his strikeout rate was 31%. Should Bay cut down his strikeout numbers this year, look for his RBI total to increase substantially. He won’t likely surpass last year’s homerun total, but given some protection in the lineup by Adam LaRoche and an effective Xavier Nady or Ronny Paulino, it’s certainly not out of the question. All in all, he is a great baseball player who needs to improve in some little, but important areas to be in the same class of run producers as Pujols and Manny Ramirez. It’s not out of the question, however that this could happen. Chris Duffy in centerfield is a huge question mark for this team. He bats leadoff, which is important as he needs to be on base for Bay and company to be effective. He has great speed, but after last year’s breakdown that caused him to leave the team for two months, there have to be concerns. He did rebound to hit .282 after the all star break, including .336 in September, and steal 23 bases on 24 attempts those final two months, so the potential for being effective is there. A fast start, however, is a must. Defense is not a concern with Duffy, as evidenced by the game last night. Should Duffy stumble out of the gates, however, the Pirates should have Andrew McCutchen on speed-dial. McCutchen has future All-Star written all over him, albeit in invisible ink at this point. Think yearly .300 25 80 with 30 stolen bases and great defense. In right field, Xavier Nady has started on the right foot by hitting the game tying home run last night off Houston closer of yesteryear Brad Lidge. I still don’t believe Nady is the long-term answer in right field, and would love to see one more left handed youngster in this spot, but that will have to wait. Nady, however is extremely valuable with his ability to play first base or outfield and hit decently doing both. This is not a great outfield, at all, but serviceable for the time being. Backups will be Nate McClouth, Ryan Doumit, and Brad Eldred, all of which we have discussed before. Expect a mid to late season McCutchen sighting almost regardless.

High

Bay: .305 40 hr 123 rbi
Duffy: .280 4 hr 41 rbi (41 sb)
Nady: .290 22 hr 80 rbi

Low

Bay: .280 27 hr 100 rbi

Duffy: .255 4 hr 30 rbi (25 sb)

Nady: .260 14 hr 60 rbi


In The Year 2525 – Pirate Coaching and Front Office ‘07

Manager Jim Tracy, at least last night, stayed away from playing “small-ball.” That is to say, he did not steal bases, he did not order bunts. He shied away from manufacturing runs, instead relying on the lumber company of McClouth, Nady, and Bay to do all the manufacturing for him. It worked once, now don’t expect it to work again for a long time. Bunts, sacrifices, and stolen bases will tell the tale of this team. Should Duffy, Sanchez, and Wilson be productive in those facets of the game, the run producers should put enough runs on the board to be effective. If Tracy tries to play Yankee-ball, this could be an ugly offensive year. Defensively, this team will be far above average, no worries there. With the pitching, Tracy will have to keep a careful eye on Gorzellany, Armas Jr. and Solomon Torres. Changes are most likely with these three pitchers. Expect Shawn Chacon to be showcased early, even interchangeable with Armas. Those two have high salaries for this team and are pretty far down on the order of importance list. Tracy could do good things with this team, but he needs to be more imaginative and aggressive in his managing style. Wins only happen with runs on the scoreboard.

GM David Littlefield has, to his credit, put together a much better opening day lineup for 2007 and beyond than he had for the few years prior to this. There are still some glaring needs in the organization, especially in the field, for Littlefield and staff to address. The lack of a proven power hitting prospect within the organization belies the future brilliance of McCutchen, Neil Walker, and Brad Lincoln – barring injuries of course. Maybe someone will show themselves to be that person this year, but almost nobody in the organization outside of Stephen Pearce has that pedigree. A few more power arms along the lines of Ian Snell, Brad Lincoln and Tom Gorzellany. A few trades to pickup players in the 23-27 age group - along the lines of Jason Bay and Adam LaRoche – either castoffs from playoff contenders or prospect busts. These are players who, given a chance, can turn into a Jason Bay. All in all, I would expect very little from Littlefield. Just saying.

Overstatements Incorporated – Buccos Broadcasting ‘07

Greg Brown, apparently finishing a half gallon of moonshine on the air, surmised that the great pitches Jason Bay saw last night (and did very little with until extra innings) were due to the presence of the feared Adam LaRoche. While Brown will be proven right down the road, this statement at the time it was made was ridiculous. LaRoche was in the middle of striking out 4 times in 5 at bats and had barely made contact the entire night. Just innings earlier Bob Walk, usually coherent and a good baseball mind, discussed name recognition as a better barometer of Hall of Fame status than statistics. Honestly, how many 3,000 hit players have flown under the radar? Not many. Lanny Frattare and Steve Blass provide solid back up and in case you are interested you can purchase an original Lanny Frattare scorecard from the past 30 years of his broadcasting era at http://www.lannycards.com/. Seriously read through this web-site. Classic. But you can expect Greg Brown to inexplicably lose his mind over random and seemingly inconsequential plays in each game. Greg Brown makes Gus Johnson sound like Helen Keller. Bob Walk knows a ton of baseball and is good for two to three unbelievably long and random stories per game.

The Past is Only the Future With the Lights On – Prediction ‘07

Much like the start of every year in almost every sport, there are many unknowns entering 2007 for the Pittsburgh Pirates. This Pirate team is one that, much like its NHL counterpart, has come up together and enjoys playing with each other. Unlike that Penguin team, the Pirates lack a Sidney Crosby talent – the sort of game changing and league transcending talent that will carry the team for long stretches. I see the Pirates taking a step forward this year, especially in the young pitcher category. They will fall just a few people short of being a good team and finish 79-83. Next year baby. Next year.

One Other Thing

Tuesday Tidbits – Tuesday Edition? No. Flurolsday Edition.

- Coming off a 5-0 pasting of the Beantaaan Bruins on Saturday, the Penguins face off with the Capitals tonight in Washington. Anyone expecting the Capitals to stop, drop and roll into the fetal position should stop snorting industrial glue. The parallels with the Bruins and Caps end after the fact that neither will make the playoffs. Boston is a team with veterans apparently disinterested in playing the role of thorn-in-the-side team to the rest of the Eastern conference. Anyone who saw the game on Saturday could tell this because the third period lacked the intensity of a junior high quiz team match let alone an NHL game. Zdeno Chara helped to enforce this while allowing Ryan Malone to score a soft, albeit pretty shorthanded goal. The Caps, on the other hand, are led by the unrelenting Ovechkin train and some young guns that could revive the Pens-Caps rivalry in earnest as soon as next year. Alexander Semin has quietly put up 37 goals, Ovechkin has 43 and RW Chris Clark, not young by any means, has an almost anonymous 29. Ovechkin ordered a ton of food to Crosby’s room and that should about do it for the reasons the Pens should not take this game lightly. PS - Don’t forget the possibility of a dance between Donald Brashear and Gorgeous Georges Laraque – could end up being the highlight of the night.

- Jordan Staal has 29 goals on 115 shots this year. That, math majors, works out to a shooting percentage of 25%. This number is also two percentage points better than Carmelo Anthony’s three-point percentage this year. It is approximately the same as the chances that Lindsay Lohan is the father of Danni-Lynn Smith. Unfortunately, it is significantly less than the 89% chance that Mel Gibson’s latest tirade will be followed by a What Women Want sequel, most likely entitled What Women Want More, and co-starring someone from the Kathy Griffin genre of actresses. What does this mean? Well, two things. One, Carrot Top and Kathy Griffin could form an alliance and steal all the world’s carotene and thusly create an entirely orange state (let’s be honest, their hair is orange, not red) and two, Staal needs to do everything he can to get the puck on net more frequently. The Pens don’t lack firepower, but anything they can do to take pressure off Sid and Geno will benefit them in the playoffs. Down the road my guess is that Staal will be a perennial 30 goal scorer, possibly topping out around 40, but his real value will come in completely neutralizing the other team’s top scorer. Look for Malkin to eventually make the move to Crosby’s right wing, Staal to take over the second line with some yet to be revealed talent and Eric Christensen to be your third line centreman. Staal has Selke written all over him, albeit in invisible ink which is why we can’t see it right now. But get a black light around him and …

- Dancing with the Stars is television’s equivalent of the 60’s drug craze. Everyone seems to watch it, but those that don’t can blatantly see the horrendous effects it is having on society. However, Paul McCartney’s estranged wife is dancing. On one leg. This should not be overlooked as legs, believe it or not, seem to be an integral part of dancing. Even so, hearing a co-worker explain how great it was to see Billy Ray Cyrus back in the limelight has essentially the same effect as hearing someone strung out on various doses of LSD and multiple hits of Panama Red rationalize hanging upside down and naked from the roof of the local capital building.

- That is pretty much all I’ve got right now – but a quick endorsement of The Kooks, a British band with a new album. Check out the single, Naïve, and you will be hooked. Plus, unlike many other British bands, their accent is not lost in song. Many, many times on the album, you will be unbelievably confused as to what they are saying. And it will sound good anyways. Go.

Tuesday Tidbits – Friday Edition

OR

- The NCAA tournament is now midway through the Sweet Sixteen and it has been an incredibly anti-climactic run so far. Few upsets, fewer memorable performances, and quite possibly the most boring basketball game in tournament history between UCLA and Pitt. Turnovers, missed shots, and Aaron Gray. Tennessee blew a 20 point lead, Acie Law IV missed a lay up and SIU hiccupped the game away after playing Kansas tough. Bada bing bada boom, and here we are. Both number 1 seeds as well as their number 2’s move on. Billy Packer is happy again. Not much more needs to be said. But, that won’t stop me.


- While we are on Pitt, it is time to note that they are, contrary to reports, a solid and not premier program. Sorry yinzer nation, they just aren’t there yet. Pitt is a top 20 program. They cannot be considered a top 10 program because since the resurgence of the Ricardo Greer led Panthers, they have yet to crack the Sweet 16. Nobody should mention them in the same breath as Duke, North Carolina, UCLA, Kansas, or Florida and you are pushing it if you compare them with programs like Illinois, Maryland, Arizona and in conference players like Syracuse and UConn. The main difference between Pitt and these teams is the growing hurdle that is the Sweet 16. All of these teams have made Elite 8’s or Final Four’s over the past decade while Pitt has yet to do so. How do they fix this? Well, defense is certainly not the problem. They can defend and rebound with any team in the country. They lack a slasher who can create for themselves and teammates off the dribble and a competent offensive game plan. They do a terrible job exploiting match ups and still play an inordinate amount of one on one, despite the departure of Carl Krauser. For instance, last night’s match up with Mata, despite Gray’s general lack of ability, was a huge key for Pitt. Pounding the ball inside to Gray was essential and he did not get enough touches early. Mata had 2 fouls early and had Dixon planned accordingly, could have been rendered useless for the rest of the game. Gray and Mata battled to a draw, Pitt shot the ball terribly from outside and the game was over. This is the single biggest improvement needed by Pitt – in game offensive coaching. They will have talent and defense and once they have an organized offense, this program will climb the ladder a little more.


- Aaron Gray is the most overrated player in America. He averaged almost 10 rebounds per game this year and I am convinced at least 3.5 of those were gathered off his own misses. He is this generation’s Greg Ostertag only not as good. Pittsburgh talk show host Mark Madden claimed Gray had a chance last night to cement his draft status or play his way out of the draft. In battling the great Lorenzo Mata (who looks like Splinter from the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie) to a draw, Gray ensured himself a spot on the bench of the Pittsburgh Xplosion. Some highlights: Having a jump hook blocked by the smaller Mata. Missing numerous lay-ups, some uncontested. The inexplicable way the front of his hair becomes chemically bound to his forehead while the rest bobs almost uncontrollably, giving the appearance of a 7 foot tall 6 year old bounding through the driveway. Honestly, anyone who still thinks Gray will be a starting center in the NBA needs to check into rehab immediately. He has a 2 inch vertical, slow feet, doesn’t block shots and can’t hit free throws. His only chance to even get meaningful minutes is to play along side a Tim Duncan type player who can stretch the D, command a double team and leave Gray open on the opposite block. However, there is something to be said for a free edumacation.

- Sticking with sports, Tiger Woods attempted to have the world’s best Tennis maestro, Roger Federer, watch a practice round from inside the ropes at the CA Championship at Doral. PGA officials, apparently not worrying about their future financial stability, escorted Federer from the fairway and put him back amongst the masses behind the ropes. It’s not like Salamander Jones from Blawnox ran on the course. It was Roger Federer. ROGER FEDERER. Alerted to their error by Woods, Federer was once again allowed inside the ropes. Then he beat the officials unconscious with an unopened can of Penn 5’s. And Tiger Woods ran them over in a Buick Rendezvous.

- Moving away from sports, figure skating is still on TV.