Episode II: Start With Zero

Yup. 8 hours, approximately, from Pittsburgh to Pinehurst. Not counting the 20 minutes to Hoss’ house at 5:30 a.m. to start the trip. However, the 20 minute jaunt to Hoss turned out to be, possibly, the most important part of the entire journey. Edgar picked me up at 5:30 and then Diddy mere minutes later; clubs, bags, and ill-fated fishing rods in tow. The purr of an early 2k’s Ford Taurus engine cutting the thick morning air like a spoon through sausage, we made our way to the starting line of a Bagginsesque journey. And then, it was upon us. A more perfect omen could not exist if I was to write the script myself. The shrill beeping of a Sirius Satellite Radio alert, the contrast of a sky blue background and cobalt script “Alabama” scrolling across the screen. You know what’s coming next.

“Rollin’ down a backwoods, Tennessee by way. One aaaarrrmmmm on the wheel. Holdin’ my lover … with the other. A sweet soft southern thrill. Worked hard all week, got a little jingle. On a Tennessee Saturday night. Couldn’t feel better, I’m together … with my Dixieland Delight.”

Don’t think for a second that I’m stopping here.

“Spend my dollar, parked in a holler ‘neath the mountain moonlight. Hold her up tight … make a little lovin’, a little turtle dovin’ on a Mason-Dixon night. Fits my life, oh so right. My Dixieland Delight.”

I must reiterate how great this video is.

Honestly, any doubts about how this trip would turn out were erased approximately 17 minutes in. Awaiting us at Hoss’ house was a veritable M1 Abrams tank, or as Chevy likes to call it, a “Tahoe.” Black on black, big wheels and living room space, our chariot was quickly packed and rumbling along southward bound. Cracker Barrel checkers and rocking chairs ahead, Steel City behind.

Road trips are great for an infinite number of reasons, not the least of which is the ability to observe things along the way. For instance, in West Virginia almost every person we saw had a mullet and a moustache. Men and women alike. In North Carolina, there is a big road sign reading “Black Ankle Rd.” Interesting. Such as, “Come down the interstate until you get to the Tibia Extension, take the Ulnar Nerve exit and make a right on Black Ankle Road.”

“Fits my life … Oh so right.”

Road trips are also great times to learn new songs and then get tired of them in mere hours, especially with the advent of Satellite Radio. Akon’s “Don’t Matter” was catchy for the first 2 minutes, but after the 8th time hearing it I went blind. Brad Paisley’s “Ticks” is catchy and somewhat punny, an overall good song. However, when you hear it approximately every 31 minutes it is proven to cause heartburn. For the record, if you get tired of “Dixieland Delight,” scroll up and watch the video again. You will feel awkward and uncomfortable and yet satisfied to the point where its shelf life is extended by 100 years.

Another road trip pastime is the “Name Game”. For those of you with no name game experience, it is when you pick a category (such as entertainment industry and sports) and one person says a name. For purposes of this exercise, imagine the driver of the car says Rip Torn. The next person must then say a name starting with the first letter of the previous star’s last name. In this instance, the next player could mention Tracey Ullman or, say, Tom Cruise which could then lead the next person to … Candace Bergen. The following person, to throw a wrench in the entire process could then toss a double name, that is to say, one with the same letter for first and last name to reverse the flow of the game. This can turn into a 10 minute battle royale between two players as they toss “d” list celebrities back and forth. For instance Bobby Brown can lead to Benjamin Bratt to Barry Bonds to Brett Butler to Brianna Banks to Bert Blyleven to Bilbo Baggins to …you get the point. Regardless, the point is to keep tossing names around until one person in the car either repeats a name or can’t come up with one during the agreed upon shot clock. That person receives a strike. After three strikes, a player is out of the game. Last one standing wins.

I fully intend for this to sound boastful. I won. With ZERO strikes. It wasn’t even close. And it took almost 3 hours of driving. I would like to think Dill Pickle flavored sunflower seeds and various celebrities including, but not limited to Bruce Jenner, Frankie Faison, and of course, Candace Bergen for making me victorious.

Often, other amazing things happen on car trips. For instance, you can learn things that you thought you knew already, but in reality you had never thought to think about before. Hoss, Diddy, Edgar and I were discussing one of Diddy’s cousins who had moved to Texas a few years back. He was born while we were all in high school, so we were attempting to figure out how old he is now. This caused every single one of us to break out our counting fingers and start the digital calculations. Hoss was the first to chime in.

“Well, if he was born when we were sophomores he would have been one that year,” counting on his fingers, “two, three … ten. He is ten years old.”

Diddy countered with the following.

“No, no, no. You are ZERO when you’re born.”

Truer words have never been uttered.

“So in reality, you would have to count zero, one, two, three and so on. He is nine.”

Nobody said we were scholars. But we were in Pinehurst. In North Carolina. Only 12 hours from golfing. And in a palace of a condo. Duffer’s Cottage, as it was called by the trip planning agency people, is a four bedroom four and a half bath condo set amongst fir trees and an unknown body of water. The Sunday morning real estate showcase would sound like:

A lovely walkway and French doors welcome you to Duffer’s cottage in Pinehurst, North Carolina. Sleep comfortably in one of the queen beds in the master suite on the second level with master bath. Three guest bedrooms, each with two beds, will accommodate friends for a long weekend of fun in the sun with access to a murky lake with seemingly stagnant water. Enjoy your morning coffee on Duffer’s wrap around deck before slinking inside for a delectable breakfast in your full kitchen. Should the weather turn ugly, enjoy the galley style basement’s full shuffleboard table and dart board. Perfect location for the golfer or wildlife lover, you’ll want to be sure to check out Duffer’s Cottage in Pinehurst.

Seriously, it was amazing. We dropped anchor inside, leaving our bags just inside the door before running back out to grab the essentials. Beer and food should be easy to find, right? Apparently not in Pinehurst. For one, every road had six names. Suffering from the same disease as New Jersey, you could turn onto “4” and have it be the same road as SR-9781 or “Letterhead Road.” Secondly, we really had no clue where we were, so we had nothing to use as a landmark. And finally when we finally did find buildings that weren’t houses, or hice in my own personal plural, they were ALL hospitals. This was either the geriatric capital of America, or a hospital farm where all hospitals are created. Every mile, emergency. Turn left – hospital. Right – hospital. After 40 minutes of driving around, we found a grocery store and got our bounty. Back to Duffer’s.

And then … we waited.

Joust '07: The Beginnings

In the pantheon of Mancations, there is one trip to rule them all. And as the torch bearer for these manly trips, I submit the following.

The Cast – Bazz, Diddy, Edgar, Hoss, Bass, Dom C., Lang and Joe Siz
The Destination – Pinehurst, North Carolina
The Reason – To do battle on 2 of the top 10 golf courses in America, plus another one that while not in the top 10 is very nice nonetheless. Seriously, it is pretty nice. I promise.

In planning the trip, my buddy Diddy and I originally meant for this to be a small weekend golf trip. 72 holes over 72 hours. It was to be void of the usual temptations that seem to follow our annual Ryder Cup event (which ran for 3 years of high school, took a 4 year hiatus, and has now returned for the past 3 years). Basically, we wanted to avoid making this a drinking trip. We failed. Miserably. And it turned out to be the best thing possible.

We had decided on the destination pretty early. The number of people and format kind of came together after we sent out a massive e-mail stating the first 5 people to respond would be guaranteed a spot (as Diddy, Hoss, and I were already in). Thankfully, 5 legends stepped forward. Teams were drafted shortly thereafter. The Wolfpack, led by Diddy, and consisting of Joe Siz, Lang, and Edgar would take on Angelina’s Orphans, led by yours truly, and consisting of Dom C., Bass, and Hoss. A special thanks here needs to be paid to Tin Cup Golf in Pinehurst for assisting in planning the logistics of the trip which allowed us to play Tobacco Road, Tot Hill Farm, and The Carolina (twice) during the trip.

After the trip was in the books, we needed a name. This was to be the first in an annual golf pilgrimage to various spots throughout the world and we needed a name befitting of such an event. Diddy and I set to work on this and after a lengthy brainstorming session settled on Joust ’07: A Piece of Pinehurst. It was originally going to be named after The Alabama song Dixieland Delight, but not wanting to pigeon hole ourselves into a southern trip every year, we went generic. And it works. It does. As a side note, watch the Alabama video constantly and memorize the second verse. You know, the one starting with “White tail buck deer, munching on clover. Red tail hawk, sitting on a limb.” It is genius. And the video should win an award every year for the rest of existence in the “Best Example of Picking up A Woman and Spinning Around” category. Actually, pay special attention to the run that occurs towards the camera after one of the spin arounds. While I’m at it, I am nominating this video for best video of all time. Here’s why. Various bearded men picking leaving various jobs (including one at a lumber yard and one at what has to be a General Store) to pick up various women in different places in what is seemingly the same red 4-door pickup truck. There is an almost constant uncomfortable undercurrent to the video which features multiple scenes in which one of the bearded men runs awkwardly and a man in a 44 jersey who is a cross between Axl Rose and Tawny Kitaen. Plus, who hasn’t dreamt of sneaking up on a woman in white feeding chickens, almost tackling her, spinning around and then running? You are lying if you say you haven’t. Wow. That escalated quickly.

Sorry for the tangent. The weeks leading up to the trip helped to validate Microsoft Outlook and various other e-mail agents as viable forms of communication. We exchanged over 934571235 MB’s of poo talking and planning for a three day trip. Somewhere in the middle of the trash talk a plan was hatched by the Wolfpack to impose some mental intimidation on Angelina’s Orphans. Theories on whose idea it was range from the Germans to Steven Tyler. In the end, I believe it was someone on the Wolfpack. Regardless, a few weeks before our departure date of May 24th, Dom C called my cell phone with news of the idea from our adversaries. Apparently Joe Siz had a little too much truth serum one night, and volunteered an idea of putting pictures of Bass’ sister on the Wolfpack team golf ball. Joe is an accountant by trade and a body builder by night. Days of creatine and calculators apparently left him vulnerable and a few swigs of fire water loosened his lips long enough for Angelina’s Orphans to decode the plans like we were using an enigma machine. Springing to action, Bass organized the Orphans for a real Shock and Awe campaign against the Wolfpack. We were still over a week away from leaving.

It has been said that the time you spend waiting for a battle is the truest test of character. I don’t know who said that, but I’m sure someone did. If they didn’t, I’d like credit for it. Anyways, with this being the case, all of our characters are currently in question. But the week leading up to Joust ’07 really did feel like at least a half of an eternity. Clubs were cleaned, bags were packed, trash was talked, directions Mapquested. All that stood between the players of Joust ’07 and glory was …….. 8 hours of driving.

How to Fight Crime ... With Bears

I once saw Sister Helen Prejean, a Roman Catholic Nun, staunch opponent of the death penalty, and author of the book Dead Man Walking, speak at Duquesne University about the reasons we should be against the death penalty. I won’t get into the crux of those reasons here, but I will tell you that I left the presentation that night agreeing with her. I will give you slight insight into why I feel this way, so if you do not want to read my opinion, make yourself a sandwich and skip the next few sentences. And I will start by assuring you that it has very little to do with any moral stance against the killing of convicted criminals, however I recognize the possible hiccups in our justice system that may allow for the execution of the innocent. To me, however, the most ridiculous thing about the death penalty is the amount of taxpayer money spent through the appeals process and the execution. According to Sister Prejean's research, the United States spends an extra $1.6 billion annually to prosecute cases using capital punishment over prison sentences. In North Carolina alone, the average death penalty case costs an extra $2.16 million more than normal cases. Obviously most of that money comes from – SURPRISE! – us.

Ok, now that the groundwork has been laid, the foundation poured, and you are seconds from closing out of this page, let me tell you that I have come up with a perfect alternative to capital punishment AND prison. Bears.

Sound stupid? Maybe. Practical? Likely not. Perfect in every way? In a word – you bet. This is why it would work: bears are big and tough and can inflict amazing amounts of pain on humans. Could there be a better crime deterrent?

How it Would Work

As a deterrent against multiple offenders, a bear fight would be used only as punishment to repeat criminals whom jail had obviously little to no affect on. The judge would have the option of using two types of bears for the punishment: the grizzly bear (average weight between 250 and 600 pounds.) and the polar bear (average weight between 330 and 550 pounds for females and 725 and 1,500 pounds for males). Bear selection would depend on the severity of the crime and corresponding jail sentence attached to the specific case. For instance, for a former felon convicted of pre-meditated murder, the judge and jury could authorize a 5 round (5 minutes per round) fight against a 1,200 lb. polar bear.

The fights themselves would consist of rounds of a length to be determined by judge and jury. There would be no weapons available for the convicted party, but for crimes of a lesser nature (financial crimes, simple theft, etc.) where capital punishment would never be an option, the convicts would have the option of head-gear to protect from a direct shot to the head. The bears, dependant upon the crime, would not be able to use their teeth in all instances. Each fight would take place within the walls of a penitentiary and be overseen by highly trained law enforcement and national wildlife experts.


Why it Would Work

Part of the reason the justice system in this country doesn’t always work is because there is rarely a direct physical consequence related to the crime, save for the death penalty and we’ve already discussed why that makes no sense. Serving time in jail has now become cool (ask Paris Hilton) and only moderately scary (unless your Joe Francis). You get meals everyday, have time to work out, and in many cases don’t have to work. This is a lazy person’s dream. Having to fight a bear would likely shatter that dream. In addition, it would greatly reduce the cost of all court cases. While I have no idea how much it would cost to keep bears in good condition, I know it couldn’t be $1.6 billion annually.
- It would also keep the jail population to a minimum as it is a “catch and release” program – meaning if you survive the fight, you are free to go.
- There would be little to no harm done to the bears involved. Even the toughest and most skilled hand to hand fighters in this world could not injure a 1,000 lb. polar bear. They just couldn’t.
- The punishment would finally fit the crime. A repeat criminal convicted of murder would likely be killed, or so effectively maimed that they would be unable to commit additional crimes. For lighter crimes, the criminal would be allowed to wear pieces of protective equipment to protect them from death, but not pain. Rounds would be shortened or lessened to more closely fit the relative punishment incurred by jail time.
- It would truly be a “scared straight” situation. Children would see the obvious benefits to their health by staying away from crime and in turn, bear fights.

I know what you’re thinking. “Can we use bears to fight terrorism?” In a word? Most definitely. Should we catch Osama Bin-Laden, when he is inevitably convicted of crimes against humanity and the Bush family, he could be sentenced to a battle royal against 6 full sized polar bears in a steal cage with a latter.

Or he could be forced to run the Bearauntlet. It is a proven fact that grizzly bears love salmon. So for exceedingly criminal acts and inhuman convicts, a 1,000 foot long line of grizzly bears could be assembled for the criminal to run through holding a salmon in each hand. It is unlikely this person would commit that crime again.

In summation: Kill someone? Fight a bear. Caught spying for another country? Bear fight. Convicted of terrorism charges? Enjoy the polar bear ring. Steal an O’Henry? Female grizzly time. And to think, it only took just under 1,000 words for me to solve the problem of capital punishment. Bears are large.

Tuesday Tidbits - Edition Edition

- It has been a pretty low-key week in all reality. However, a few things did catch my eye enough for me to make a few comments. Starting now…. Go.

- I watched Wheel of Fortune last week, though I don’t remember what night. While this may not seem like news, what I saw on the show should be. The show was on site in San Diego, which coincidentally was discovered by the Germans. Regardless, towards the tail end of the show a young lady named Cari was in the process of doing bad things to the board. The category was “Scene” and Cari had gone about guessing every letter but one on the entire board. She had built up a nice little sum of cash, but was still behind the leader by a pretty wide margin. This is what was left on the board at the time: P I C T U R E S _ U E and then some other words that amounted to MOUNTAIN LAKE. Cari had the option of solving the puzzle or spinning again, and like any smart person she decided to….spin again. And truthfully this was not necessarily a bad choice. She had the opportunity to win additional money and close the gap between her and the lady in first place. So she spun and avoided the bankrupt pie piece, landing on an unimportant amount of money. Pat Sajak, host of Wheel of Fortune and likely pervert, gestured confidently to Cari to finish the puzzle and claim her few hundred dollars.

“H.” This is the letter Cari chose to complete the above word. This obviously completed the puzzle as a PICTURESHUE MOUNTAIN LAKE. Pat Sajak was awestruck. Seven people in the crowd threw up. One snorted the powdered sugar off a funnel cake and passed out. Cari, on the other hand, just stood there. She wasn’t joking. But she is a teacher. I gave you a lot of space there to let that sink in. She is in charge of edumacating our youth. And she couldn’t even spell PICTURESDUE! What a maroon!

- Pat Sajak has one of those names you just want to switch the important consonants around and say constantly. Sat Pajak. Kat Japak. Jat Pasak. And on and on you can go. But he’s still a pervert.

- The Bachelor continues to take cliché and bad TV to entirely new levels of horribility (not a word – yet). According to the announcer, next week Andy the Bachelor will make the “…toughest decision – EVER.” Really? Tougher than the decision to drop the bomb during WWII? Tougher than deciding whether to put a loved one in a nursing home? So you are telling me, TV Announcer Guy, that choosing someone to date on TV is tougher than choosing “H” instead of “Q” on Wheel of Fortune? You, sir, are a dullard. Fortunately for all of us, that was just a snippet of the awkward brilliance of this show. I can say this because:

- 1) At one point, the bachelor described his feelings for a female contestant as, “Electricity in my soul.”

- 2) Another contestant, Bevin, while auditioning to be the next Mrs. Bachelor, showed off her patriotism with what appeared to be a full scale replica bald-eagle tattoo on her lower back and some Asian writings on her shoulder, not to mention an ankle bracelet tattoo. That’s it. Just wanted to pass this along.

- 3) The bachelor compared a journey over a suspension bridge as a metaphor for a relationship.

- 4) The bachelor, a doctor and naval officer of obvious intelligence, borrowed a catch phrase from Paris Hilton to describe an ill-advised foray into native Hawaiian dance.

- 5) Chris Harrison, the “host” still has a job. Has there ever been a TV personality of less consequence than Chris Harrison? In fact, I’m guessing that he hasn’t been sober for an episode in three years. What does he really do? He gets 30 seconds of air-time every episode for the “final rose” ceremony and the Oscar worthy, “Ladies…say your goodbye’s,” line. The other 12 hours of filming probably consist of him in a sweat suit with a fifth of beefeater and a jar of olives. Honestly, I’m a little jealous. And if he’s not married, you know he chases the rejected women. And this makes him large sums of money. Wow.

- I am pretty much obsessed with Fantasy Baseball. I spend a great deal of time analyzing personnel moves, which I make entirely too often. Fantasy football already takes up a good portion of every fall and the other day I realized there is Fantasy Fishing as well. This will soon extend even further for the ironic and impossible Real Life Fantasy. You will be able to draft every day people and get points for their daily actions. There will be categories to allow you compete in different categories which will include individual members of families, and every discernable member of society. Be careful if you choose drug dealers or politicians – while they have the ability to rack up big points, their unpredictable ways can lead to big losses. Someone come up with the details and get back to me.

That’s it.

Tuesday Tidbits - Prison Edition

According to TMZ Paris Hilton has hired a new lawyer in a desperate attempt to keep her from going to jail on DUI charges. This is great for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that it appears that we are getting closer to answering the question that has seemingly tormented the country for so long: Does Paris Hilton know how to make a prison shank?

It is unlikely that we will get to find out for sure, but that doesn’t have to stop us from wondering. It also doesn’t have to stop us from weighing her chances of survival against those of a former prison dweller; you guessed it, Frank Stallone. For the purposes of this comparison Frank Stallone will be Martha Stewart.

The categories will include issues that will have, or in the case of Martha had, effects on the probability of survival inside the slammer. We obviously know that Stewart survived her stay in the Maximum Security Lockdown (located squarely on some of the Hamptons’ finest acreage), so we will weigh her actual stay versus the possible slumber party for Paris. Let’s get to it.

Nature of Crime

There are certain crimes considered to be off limits even to hardened criminals. For instance, child sex offenders are generally not invited to other inmates Tupperware parties in jail. Most of them are at some point killed or at least severely beaten for their transgressions. Paris Hilton, thankfully, will not have to deal with this inconvenience. She will be in for a DUI conviction and for looking like a bird. The bird part could hurt her in the long run, but since her sentence would only be 45 days, she should be ok.

Stewart, on the other hand, was prosecuted by the Securities and Exchange Commission for securities fraud, which basically amounts to insider trading on Wall Street. Would the other inmates look at this as being British to their colonists? Or would they fear the devious ways of a home living mogul?

Edge: Hilton. By adding that after she was arrested, she put cherry bombs in the toilets of the prosecutors and their families, Paris could probably trump up the charges to her inmates a little more realistically than Stewart could. Plus, Paris looks like a bird and people who are locked up have a well known fear of birds. They just do.

Ability to Fit In

While the crime committed can immediately help you gain or lose respect in the pen, there is still room for latching on with prison gangs or making the right friends to keep you alive. Martha Stewart is like a chameleon. She is comfortable hanging out with P. Diddy or even trading stocks with insider information. Most people can’t do both. Martha can cook. Pies, cakes, pastas, crumpets, preserves, beef stroganoff – you name it. Inmates like food. And Martha doesn’t pull any punches. She will lay it all out there whether you like it or not. Especially if you mess up a recipe.

Paris, on the other hand, will not have a red carpet to stand on unless there is a stabbing. And not to beat a dead cardinal, but since inmates are scared of birds, Paris may have a harder time making friends.

Edge: Martha. Making cookies and baskets will warm the hearts and tummies of her inmates and her underhanded nature will endear her to their most evil qualities.

Fighting Ability

This is a tough one. While Paris is slender and seemingly completely helpless, she does carry a bedazzled cell-phone. And that means that she may have the ability to bedazzle her knuckles or elbows as well. This could cause serious damage in a fight. Think of a Paris Hilton bedazzled elbow as a piece of sand paper with shrapnel attached. Very painful.

Martha, on the other hand has the unmatched ability to create crafts out of ridiculous objects. Meaning her prison shank production would be virtually unparalleled in the slammer, save for MacGyver getting locked up. In addition, Martha has an innate meanness that Hilton’s clueless nature cannot match. This is becoming clearer by the second. In fact, we’ll just stop here.

Edge: Martha. As I pondered this, one fact stuck out. Say Martha and Paris got into it with each other in the prison yard. No shanks, no bedazzled elbows, just a drop the gloves and go fistfight. Do you really think that Paris would have the slightest chance in this? Martha has man-hands. Martha is street-smart. And Martha has man-hands. Think Mr. T vs. Dustin Diamond. Unless Paris harnesses her inner bird and pulls a Daniel-san like crane kick from the depths of her abilities, this is a one punch bout.

Wildcard

Throwing everything else out the window, this is where we question the overall will of the combatants to survive. It cannot be categorized. It cannot be reasonably broken down. But we’ll try anyway. As we’ve previously discussed, Paris is a bird. Birds have to survive in the wild. Paris would seemingly want to survive in the pen as well. Except that she is more like a house trained Parrott than an awe-inspiring Bald Eagle. She is used to a certain lifestyle that includes greasy men, expensive cars, and having no discernable talents other than super winner of the Parent-Lottery.

Stewart is a self-made chamillionaire. She has scratched and clawed for everything she got in life, save for the information that led to her arrest. Her ability to adapt to a situation and overcome adversity make this a complete runaway.

Edge: Martha. Re-read the previous paragraph if you are unconvinced.

What We Have Learned

Based on the categories above, Martha Stewart is more readily prepared to survive a prison stay than Paris Hilton. This is true in a sense because Stewart has already survived one. In the long run, however, I have no doubts that Paris will never set foot in a jail cell. And if she does, her bird-like aura will keep harm at arms length. Good luck Paris!

Tuesday Tidbits - Backiotomy Edition

No intro today. Well, except this little bit. We are getting right to it.


Yankees Sign Clemens, Pirates Consider Countermeasures
The New York Yankees shocked approximately zero people yesterday when they announced the signing of Roger Clemens for the remainder of the season. He will make $4.5 million a month to pitch for the minions of Steinbrenner and will undoubtedly be a major factor in the inevitable Yankee run towards the playoffs.

The Pittsburgh Pirates, in an apparent attempt to keep up with the Yankees, have announced the signing of Elroy Face to a pro-rated contract that will pay the 79 year-old star of yesteryear an average of $213 a month for the remainder of the season. Face went 7-5 in his last year with the Pirates in 1967 and will likely move directly into the bull-pen.

Dave Littlefield described the signing as, “…smart. The obvious move and fiscally responsible to boot.” He had been drinking.

I am Old
It is official. How do I know? Because on Saturday morning, I put my left arm straight up into the air and craned my head backwards to stretch. Why does this make me old? Because when I did this, former WWE great Bob Backlund put me into a cross face chicken wing while Shredder of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and X-Men’s Wolverine simultaneously attacked a small area between my left shoulder blade and neck. There was good reason for this strain, however. I had a very strenuous and physically taxing Friday consisting of picking up boulders and dragging dump trucks. And by picking up boulders and dragging dump trucks I mean fishing and golfing. Rough, I know.

Spending the rest of the weekend writhing in pain made me realize a few things.

1) Whoever came up with the name BenGay grossly underestimated the effect the product could have on the human race. It should be called BenAwesome or BenInsanelyGood. Calling it BenGay is insensitive and a little offensive.

2) The movie Flags of our Fathers takes a perfectly good, and visually appealing, WWII flick and in the last 15 minutes turns it into a father-son sob story. Thanks, Clint Eastwood. You were Dirty Harry, a song by the Gorillaz, and now you tried to make me cry. Uncool.

3) http://www.pfizerch.com/brand.aspx?id=261 Notice the right side of the screen which shows a human (camouflaged as a topographical map) being affected by pain, represented as a glowing yellow orb. So apparently the cure for my ailment is to remove a glowing yellow orb somewhere in between my shoulder blade and my neck. Good place to start. BenGreat has done it again.

4) I could very easily fit in among homeless people. At one point on Sunday, I reeked of BenPerfect, hadn’t showered in a day, had a small afro and a massive mustard stain on my thermal. Watch out overpass population, I’m ready!

I Wonder What the Germans Think Now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFQJPeuU5H8&mode=related&search=

This is a special day for me. This is the first time I have ever witnessed David Hasselhoff drunk, laying on the floor, and eating a Wendy’s hamburger while filming a video of a Baldwinian fathering moment. By all accounts, this is actually pretty sad. However, I cannot get past the visual of a shirtless Hasselhoff strewn across a seemingly empty floor while attempting to devour the world’s messiest burger. Basically this is Alec Baldwin making his phone call while wearing a dress and eating a pizza with chopsticks.

Also, realize that Germany’s former favorite son was filmed by his daughter. This means she leaked the video and allowed it to be posted on YouTube. This means she is great. She took a few minutes of verbal abuse and turned it into hours of entertainment for everyone else. Thank you spawn of Hasselhoff. You may not lead a normal life, but you are a hero to us all.


More this week…

Tuesday Tidbits – Friday Edition. Fine, Maybe Not Tidbits. Penguins Recap?

- I have been, by my own admission, curiously quiet since the Penguins closed out their season with a Round 1 loss to Ottawa. Call it my mourning period; my time to grieve. However, this season was an obvious success and will pay huge dividends down the road when Sid the Kid meets Lord Stanley for the first time. I emphasize first time because with this core group of guys, I fully expect at least two and at most five Stanley Cups over the next 10-12 years. Lofty expectations? Yes. And that is why I will start the review with things we have to look forward to.

- The future is bright in Pittsburgh. Mostly because we are dealing with the game’s best player. Crosby is this generation’s superstar. And while this is a seemingly obvious statement, the skills he possesses are limitless. He is an amalgamation of Gretzky’s vision, Lemieux’s skill, Yzerman’s leadership, and Messier’s grit. He will win this year’s MVP and continue onward to establish himself as a Hall of Famer. The only thing that will keep him from becoming a threat to Gretzky is the massive increase in league-wide talent from the early 80’s to now. Players today are bigger, stronger, faster and better conditioned overall to excel throughout a season. The difference in skill levels between players is still there, but the effort gap has closed dramatically. I once saw an interview with Lemieux during which he referenced players smoking cigarettes between periods. Can you imagine that? Next thing you’ll tell me is that baseball players around here snorted lines during games. Whoops. This is not to say that Lemieux and Gretzky wouldn’t have been as good today as they were in their hey-days. They are and were transcending talents, and so is Sid. But the rest of the league is no longer filled with pushovers skating with 50 lb. weights attached to their ankles. Because of this, Sid’s numbers will likely not approach those of the Great One or Le’Magnifique. But he’s good. He’s real good (Ron Burgundy voice). And we will bear witness for years to come.

- And he is surrounded by a group of youngsters that will lift him to even greater heights. Jordan Staal will eventually redefine the way we think of two-way forwards. He is already the NHL’s foremost defensive forward at 18, and coming off a 29 goal season. Evgeni Malkin is the Jagr to Crosby’s Lemieux. He is a dynamic offensive force who probably possesses more offensive skill than Crosby himself. Witness his goal against the devils early in the year, or the show he put on in Boston later. Not many people combine his size, skating, stick-handling, and shooting abilities. Goalie Marc-Andre Fleury is still just 22 years-old and while he may never reach the level of his idol (Martin Brodeur), his athletic ability and a continuing dedication to the finer points of goal-tending will bring him into the conversation of league’s best goalies. Ryan Whitney is fulfilling his promise as an offensive defenseman extraordinaire. Look for his goals and assists to climb with each pinpoint breakout pass.

- Don’t be too quick to discount the importance of players like Colby Armstrong, Maxime Talbot, and Brooks Orpik to this team. They may not be the top flight talents their previously mentioned teammates are, but in the long run they will be the difference in this team’s overall ceiling. Witness the effects that Chris Neil, Dean McAmmond, Christoph Schubert, and Mike Fisher of Ottawa had on the series with the Penguins. Quick, gritty, and physical, these players won’t win any scoring titles, but come playoff time their rattling body checks and ferocious forechecks make a world of difference. The same will eventually be said for the likes of Armstrong, Talbot, Orpik and other Penguins youngsters with similar styles of play. The efforts will always be there and results will follow.

Season Grades

Centres:

Sydney Crosby – A+++++++: MVP. Not much more to say.

Evgeni Malkin – A-: Almost a lock for Rookie of the Year, but a playoff slip keeps him from the plus. In his defense, he played more games this year than ever before on the heels of his Cuban like defection from Russia while not speaking much English. Give him a break. In two years, he’ll put up 120. You’ve been warned. Plus, this just in from http://www.espn.com/ about how he chose number 71:

As explained on the Penguins' Web site: "When I started to play hockey, I had number 11. It was a prominent number for many, many years. When I got to Magnitogorsk, it turned out that the number was given to somebody else. So, I gave it some thought and decided to get a number close to 11 and that's how I came up with 71.”

Jordan Staal – A: Hockey’s Cy Young, Staal went for 29 and 14 this year. And he wasn’t supposed to make the team. PS, he was the Penguin’s best defensive player besides Fleury. PS jr. – He is from Thunder Bay, Ontario. This is easily the best hometown name to have. Well, besides Fire Skull, Wyoming.

Maxime Talbot – B: A great year from the Pens’ resident grinder. He had a great year on the penalty kill and some surprising offensive production, albeit in spurts. Career third liner and this is just fine with me.

Erik Christensen – C-: Put up 18 goals in 61 games as a 24 year-old. But with his shot and skill level, more can be expected here. Prone to slumps and hot streaks, he will be a contributor if he can level out his consistency. A member of the “K replaces the C Klub.”

Chris Thorburn – D+: Mostly played wing during the year, but provided good spark during early season enforcer role. Most of this grade is due to inactivity towards the end of the year, but a solid extra forward with a little skill and serious hustle.

Wingers:

Colby Armstrong – B-: Given his production from last year, Armstrong’s numbers slipped a bit. However, his impact this season was felt from the first game (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqmHhJXs7Q8), throughout the season (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2RMT5LrqaY), and into the playoffs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gTisKFrh4A). Hockey fans have to love this guy if he’s on their team. But we need more goals.

Ryan Malone – D: Slippage in numbers not in line with rest of team’s progression. Need more from him. Not sure of long term value to team. However, gets high marks for defending teammates and being good locker room guy.

Michelle Ouellet – C+: Much better year than was expected. Played more physical and skated better as year went on. Has a great shot, but lack of foot speed keeps him from being a great goal scorer.

Rondald Petrovicky – C: Was not asked to do much and complied. However, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYoPMAz03W4, speaks for itself.

Mark Recchi – C+: Good, not great year for the Recchin Ball. Started off hot, cooled off late. He is at the top of the hill, has he gone over?

Nils Ekman – D: Kept from D- by a good performance in his one playoff game. Provided exactly none of what the Pens expected when they signed him in the off-season. Another plus – his name is Nils. Not too many of these guys around, so we need to keep an eye on him.

Georges Laraque – F: This is the most disappointing grade to me. I was unbelievably excited about the prospects of Laraque roving the ice looking for heads to collect. Instead, he ran around the ice attempting to do avoid altercations and instead concentrating on puck control. I know it sounds strange, but we have guys to do that for him. Less passes, more punches. Please.

Gary Roberts – A+: Rumor yesterday was that the Pens and Roberts are negotiating a contract for next year. This would make me exceedingly happy so long as two things happen: 1) Only a one year contract and 2) We are guaranteed a playoff spot. Watching Gary Roberts in the playoffs should teach this team a few things. It taught me a lot, too. He is psychotic. In the best way possible. Goals and guts.

Jarko Ruutu – C-: I enjoyed his play at times, but for the most part, Ruutu did a bad job of most things and a good job of gaining entry to the penalty box. I see better things for him next year, including the adding of another “u” tuuu his name.

Needs: The Pens need another top flight scorer. Jarome Iginla would be great, but too expensive. Same can be said for Ryan Smyth. I honestly don’t know where this player will come from, but we need him. Hopefully a trade or a draft pick will net us that skilled winger to play with Crosby. We are all taken care of on the grit side of things. Plenty to go around there.


Defensemen:

Mark Eaton – B+: One of GM Ray Shero’s crown jewel signings, Eaton blocked a billion or so shots, played great positional defense and was accountable for his own zone. A great signing and an undervalued member of a playoff team.

Sergei Gonchar – A-: Back to normal, Gonchar put up great numbers for a defenseman. He is getting older, but was still very effective, especially on the power play. Could have used a bit more in the defensive zone, but a solid year nonetheless.

Josef Melichar – C: Not nearly as bad as everyone believed. Responsible if not skilled defenseman who SHOULD be a 7th defenseman, but played as well as he could this year. Also, phonetically friendly to those learning to read, Melichar spells his name as it sounds instead of using the confusing “p” and “h” combo.

Alain Nasreddine – B-: Little known fact: Nasreddine finished second in plus/minus for the Pens this year, checking in at a +12 in 44 games. Respected by teammates, Nasreddine’s nickname was NOT “Lady”.

Brooks Orpik – B: Orpik reestablished himself as the preeminent physically presence of the Penguins. Ask Donald Brashear. Orpik, played smart hockey in his own zone and will continue to progress as a Scott Stevens Lite type of player in the league. Orpik is also a very good skater and teamed wonderfully with Ryan Whitney to form an offensive/defensive threat from the blue-line. Plural of Brook.

Rob Scuderi – C+: Scuderi got the most out of what he had and played a solid brand of hockey for this year’s Penguins. He is a solid top 6 defenseman who’s best value is that when he’s playing well, you don’t notice him. I think.

Ryan Whitney – A+: The Pens’ best defenseman this past year, and most likely for years to come. At 24, Whitney is rounding into a player that may soon challenge for a Norris trophy. In fact a case could be made for him this year. While he was outscored by Sergei Gonchar (67 to 59), he was by far the more defensively responsible of the two (+9 to -5). A great player who will get better from here.

Needs: Another shooter and another physical presence. This could be taken care of in one player with Sheldon Souray an unrestricted free agent, but that could be a tough financial pill to swallow. Nashville’s Kimmo Timmonen is another possible addition. From within, Kristopher Letang should join the big boys next year after spending all but 2 games with the Wilkes-Barre-Scranton Baby Penguins. He is an offensive talent who needs to be more responsible in his own zone.
Goalies:

Marc-Andre Fleury – A-: Fleury showed flashes of brilliance in almost every game he played in. However, he showed flashes of un-brilliance a few times as well. A major positive from the playoffs, is that he did not bow in a high pressure situation. He was absolutely the Pens’ best defensive player all year long, starting with his opening night shut out of the Flyers. Vezina trophies to come. Also, claims to be 22, but may actually be closer to 13.

Jocelyn Thibault – C+: Didn’t do much for me, but had few solid games. Not likely to be here next year.

Needs: Depth, depth, and more depth. The Pens are lacking a viable goaltending option outside of Fleury. Thibault will be gone next year and addressing this through the draft and/or free agency is a must.

Coaching:

Michel Therrien – A+: Therrien had a great year. He transformed one of the league’s worst teams into one of its best in exactly one year. Granted he was aided by amazing play from a group of world-class youngsters, but this was no small feat. That’s it. That’s all I have to say about him. He was that good.