Filet It.

Twenty-four hours from now, a group of brave men will caulk the wagon, ford the river, and avoid dysentery. Oregon Trail, it is not. Trout season it is. For a quick recap – the first three sentences included an Oregon Trail reference and two straight Yoda statements. But all are true. Take that to the bank and smoke it.

I have really started to get into this idea of fishing. So much so that I have named my rod (grow up). Its name ceases to be Ugly Stik Quantum as of this moment (9:41 a.m.) and will be instead ……………… Candace Sturgeon. I expect Candace to bring in a haul of trout that would make the men of Deadliest Catch jealous. There are only a few things that I am presently worried about.

1) Sharks
2) Vengeful Trout siblings and lovers
3) Fish Commission Gestapo
4) The weather

The two I am most worried about from that list are the Fish Commission and sharks. I will start with sharks. As I understand it, we will be standing in quick moving water up to approximately our knees. So as not to scare the fish, it is supposedly imperative to keep completely still under water. And judging by the muddy consistency of most of the creek beds I have been around, I would give us an 84% chance of sinking into the ground enough to be effectively stuck. Should a shark make its way downstream during this critical stage of trout fishing, a catastrophe would surely follow. I have already spoken with the local paramedics and the National Fish and Wildlife Association, and both are on alert for shark sightings in the area.

As for the Fish Commission, word on the streets is they have more power than police, the Armed Forces, and President George Bush. Combined. From what I understand, they have been behind every major conflict of the past 30 years. Any time you apply for a loan, the Fish Commission approves or denies it. If you remove the tag from your mattress, expect a Fish Commission representative at your door within 48 hours. The Fish commission was behind the sinking of the Titanic AND the subsequent James Cameron documentary on finding it. I am worried that tomorrow morning, just as Candace Sturgeon and I pull in an 8 foot striped trout, Lawrence B. Lawenforcement of the Fish Commission Secret Opening Day of Trout Creek Enforcement Unit Team, or FCSODTCEUT as they like to be known, will knock me over and cause me to be attacked by a shark. This would be the opposite of good. To put it bluntly, I know I will be lacking in the etiquette department and I’m a little worried that my trout stamp will fall out of its holder and I’ll have to spend 9 years in the tributary of a penitentiary for Wrongful Wrangling of a Creek Trout.

The goods, however, far outweigh the bads in the world of fishing. I expect to make a meal of 5 gorgeous trout. I expect to start listening to this song (courtesy of my buddy Diddy) WAY more often: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8O3Plt8DyMk (side note – please note the stonewashed denim looking guitar). And I expect that when it comes to for me to tie that blood knot while its 38 degrees and raining and fish are scurrying around at my feet, that I will tie the single greatest blood knot ever.

Tuesday Tidbits – Wednesday Edition

NEWS

Imus Issue – What he said or what he looks like?

I would not normally weigh in on this topic, but have you seen this man? Could there be a more amazing looking human? He looks like Robert Redford, the senior citizen version, beaten with a claw hammer, Frodo Baggins hair, plus a ten-gallon hat. He also bears a strange resemblance to Mason Verger of Hannibal fame. And to hear him talk you would swear that he had monumental amounts of dental surgery and has just left the gauze and cotton in there for safekeeping. That or his foot is still stuck in there somewhere. Obviously what he said is deplorable on every level. It is offensive to African Americans, women, and Italian women who have similar hair to African American women.

But I am confused as to which part is more offensive – the implied racial innuendo or the shot at women? The media seems to be tilting towards the race side, while the actual victims of the rant, the Rutgers women’s basketball team, has publicly stated its disapproval for both parts, although they seem to be taking a stand together as women first. If Imus was going for comedy, he missed as wide right as Scott Norwood. If he was at all serious, he needs some counseling. He will never escape this episode unscathed, if he does at all.

But why no backlash for the people who do this for a living? Why no CNN appearances to be reprimanded by the media for the music industry who has made billions of dollars off demeaning women, especially black women? Imus’ statement, “nappy headed ho’s,” should be offensive to the public. And if the victims themselves, the women of the Rutgers basketball team, decide they are offended (and they should be), then let us make the ugliest man in radio an example. However, it is irresponsible and hypocritical to publicly scold Don Imus for his comments about women, specifically black women, and turn around to hand Ludacris an award for putting a beat behind his.

Civil War Reenactments: The South Loses Again

I recently met the friend of a friend who told a friend that his profession is: Civil War Reenactments. This raises over a thousand questions according to Google Mind, but I will focus on a few.

1) Who would want to reenact a loser? The south, thankfully, ate it hard during the actual Civil War. And you would have to think the North would have the upper hand in the reenactment as well. So who are the people signing up to fake pain and death as the North continues their 150 year dominance? I am almost 100% sure, that if they reenacted the entire war from start to finish, the outcome would be similar to historical fact. Conspiracy theory: The south, embarrassed by a poor showing in the first go-round, is sponsoring the reenactments to find weaknesses in the North strategy and will at some point attempt to overthrow the North with muskets and Winchesters and a rebuilt Monitor or Merrimac (don’t remember which one was which and actual Google is not cooperating). Outcome: North 2, South 0.

2) Is this not the dumbest thing in the world? Answer: Yes. Why? Check out the web-site http://www.battleofselma.com/. Take the time to read the opening page and I will point out some highlights. The heading reads, “Welcome to the 20th Anniversary of the Battle of Selma Official Website.” In actuality, the Battle of Selma occurred on April 2, 1865 (Google is working again). So using the web-site’s math book: 2007 – 1865 = 20. This is good, because yesterday when I had $30 in my wallet and spent $18, I was worried that I only had $12 left. However, I know now that I have $73.

In addition, the organizers invite you to attend, “as the Confederate troops defend the breastworks against the Yankee invaders.” What is a breastwork? Anyone care to weigh in? I’m not touching that one (pun may or may not have been intended). Memo to the organizers: The Yankee “invaders” would not have been there had the South not been a baby and not sulked off to start their own nation. Grow up d-bags, this was, and is still your fault.

3) Back to the first point – the South lost. Since this is apparently starting a trend, I will be holding a Super Bowl XXX reenactment next weekend at a yet to be determined location where Steeler fans can reenact Neil O’Donnell’s touchdown passes to Larry Brown. Enjoy. Actually, this would be more like reenacting the past 14 Pirate seasons – pointless and a little bit masochistic.

4) For those interested in a schedule of stupidity, please check out http://www.sutler.net/eventlist.asp.


SPORTS


Pirates Coverage ’07 – When Talk Radio Attacks

I watched most of the Pirates 3-2 extra innings loss to the St. Louis Cardinals last night. Turns out, that was not my biggest mistake of the evening. I also tuned in on the radio side to listen to Rocco DeMaro’s after-party. DeMaro was analyzing some of the Pirate’s breakdowns that led to their demise. To his credit, he was right on in criticizing Pirate left-fielder Jason Bay for throwing to the wrong base on a fly-out in the 9th inning. With runners on first and second and a fly ball that was hit deep enough for the runner on second to tag up, the throw should have been towards second base in order to keep the runner on first from getting into scoring position. Bay, who possesses the arm of a T-Rex, should have known better.

However, DeMaro also criticized Jim Tracy for having Jack Wilson attempt a bunt with runners on first and second base, and no outs in the bottom half of the 10th inning that would have put runners on second and third with one out and the Freddy Sanchez and Jason Bay to follow. DeMaro claims that by the “numbers” this was a play that should have never happened. I am not a Jim Tracy fan by any means. However, this was undoubtedly the right play. The execution can be debated (it was awful), but the decision (it was a good one) should not.

Watching on TV, first basemen Albert Pujols was also charging. The shortstop broke for third during the pitchers windup, with the second basemen doing the same towards first base. This left one person covering 2/3’s of the infield. Wilson bunted directly to charging Cardinals third basemen Scott Spezio, who turned and easily through out the runner advancing to third. This, the execution, was terrible. If Wilson had bunted anywhere but either baseline, it is likely the play would have worked in the Pirates favor. Had he pulled the bat back and slapped the ball past the pitcher, the game would have been over. He did neither and the Pirates failed to score. Bunting in that situation would have left the Pirates with two runners in scoring position with one out, the heart of the order coming to bat, and no ready made double plays to help the Cardinals to escape from the inning. Freddy Sanchez could have brought the run home with a ground ball, a fly ball to the outfield or a hit. The Cardinals would have likely walked Sanchez to give them a force at every base, but the prospect of facing Jason Bay – he of the 100-plus RBI season a year ago – with the bases loaded and one out. For a team that will continually struggle to score runs, putting as many runners in scoring position is the best bet and Tracy’s call for a bunt in that situation would have done just that. DeMaro, for all his baseball bravado and awkward on-air flirtations, should have reconsidered the situation and team involved before going by his mysterious book of numbers – the one he constantly referred to, but never cited.

Penguins – PLAYoffs?!? PlayOFFS?!?

Yup, playoffs. And as my college roommates Tall Eric and Eamon will tell you, I love playoff. In addition, I can tell you the weather outside without leaving the house. But I digress. The Penguins take to the ice tonight at 7:08 p.m. in Ottawa for the first time in too long and a chance to show off one my favorite things: playoff beards. These are grown by hockey players as their teams embark on the playoff journey for Lord Stanley’s Cup. The Penguins, however, with teenagers like Sidney Crosby, Jordan Staal, and Evgeni Malkin probably won’t be looking like the guys from ZZ Top. In fact, they will be lucky to have 6 noticeable chin hairs. But this is a tradition that should definitely be put into other facets of life. Hitting a rough patch in a relationship? Playoff beard. Big meeting coming up at work? Playoff beard. Can’t lose the weight you want? Playoff beard. Usually, the playoff beard is most effective when used in collaboration with other people on the same side or team. So this can even apply to entire companies. Bad fourth quarter projections? Company playoff beards (women included – stop waxing your upper lip and grow ‘em). Going on trial? Lawyer and defendant playoff beards. In all facets of life, we should use the playoff beard as a motivational tool. As for the game itself, Pens win 4-2 on the road to take a 1-0 series lead into Saturday.