Alliterations can be fun, but like anything else, too much of it can make you see leprechauns dancing on your dashboard while Sam Donaldson makes a California Roll in your laundry room. So scale back on the alliterations for your own good. Unless you like Sam Donaldson a great deal. Because then, alliterations are perfect for you.
If you are currently wondering, “What brought that on?”, or “Who, exactly, is Ruslan Fedotenko?” then you know that I saw Transformers yesterday and cannot contain my excitement/bewilderment double feature of feelings. Never before have I run the full gauntlet of emotional attachment to a movie like I did with Transformers. At times, during the height of excitement, I found myself staring at the screen with my jaw unhinged, tongue dragging slightly to the left, gripping the arm rest. At other times, I found myself laughing hysterically. This would have been ok if there had been anyone else in the theater sharing in the hilarity.
We’ll get a few things out of the way quickly:
1) Megan Fox. Google Image. Go.
2) Shia LaBouf is good as someone with that name could possibly be. He plays the annoying teenager thrust into an extraordinary circumstance surprisingly well. I felt awkward on his behalf, disliked him, and rooted for him simultaneously. He did a good job. I still feel awkward for him that his name is Shia LaBouf.
3) Rachael Taylor. Not Megan Fox, but repeat the Google Image.
4) Josh Duhamel and Tyrese are perfect guardians of this country.
5) I could listen to a robot voice say anything and laugh every single time.
Visually, this movie is as spectacular as you can get. The Transformers themselves look unbelievable, the cinematography is innovative and Megan Fox plays a character named Mikaela Banes. AND she has knows how to hotwire a car. I honestly don’t remember any of the music, outside of the Transformer Bumblebee playing songs to communicate because his voice box was damaged (seriously, it was). This was due mostly to being completely ingrained in the movie, but also a testament to the sound people who put together various robot noises and explosions.
As for the story itself, I remain unsold on it. Actually, I take that back. The story was fine. Good even. It just wasn’t needed. This movie was most likely made to target two groups of people, both of them being of the male persuasion: 1) 18-30 year olds who had Transformers for toys when they were young and 2) 6-18 year olds who were too young to remember the toys, but like robots and action movies so action movies starring robots are perfect. Because of this, the fact that they made the movie at all satisfied the 18-30 group and the fact that an 18 wheeler is able to be driving down the road and randomly become a super powered robot and fight a similarly powered, but evil, F-22 Raptor satisfies the 6-18 year olds. I guess taking a random break in the action to have Megan Fox’s character tell Shia LaBouf’s character, “No matter what happens, I’m glad I got in the car that day,” the story satisfies the 7-30 year old female group that was inevitably dragged along to this movie, but I am going to suggest they just make a series of films called “Robot Fights” to continually satisfy the 6-30 year old male demographic. And I don’t want to give away the ending, but here is the final line, uttered by Optimus Prime himself:
With the Allspark gone, we cannot return life to our planet. And fate has yielded its reward, a new world to call home. We live among its people now, hiding in plain sight, but watching over them in secret... waiting, protecting. I have witnessed their capacity for courage and though we are worlds apart, like us, there's more to them than meets the eye. I am Optimus Prime and I send this message to any surviving Autobots taking refuge among the stars. We are here. We are waiting.
Really?
Speaking of, or like, Optimus Prime – his voice, coupled with the other transformers’ voices, were the single most awkward thing in the movie. Prime sounded a little bit like a metallic version of Tree Beard, the walking forest creature from Lord of the Rings. He had similar wisdom and compassion for all living things, except he had a cannon and a massive golden sword. Kudos to Peter Cullen for his portrayal of a robot. Awards to follow. Some of the other characters took on weird modern day twists – there was an African American transformer! At least we were led to believe this through his use of Ebonics, apparently learned on the internet. We’re making steps here. I like it. But I could not get over the voices and conversations that would be possibly through the robot dinners. Especially after it was revealed that the transformers were going to stay on earth.
So it is feasible that at some point Optimus Prime, in full robot voice, said, “Oh, yeah, Mikaela – if you and Sam aren’t busy why don’t you come by for dinner tomorrow. I got some fresh pasta from Whole Foods and I make a mean marinara. Also, I just picked up the new Smashing Pumpkins CD. Yeah, it’s not as good as Mellon Collie, but I like it. Corgan has pipes. He can really wail. I just wish Nirvana would get together and make something new. But I guess with Grohl in the Foo Fighters and sometimes Queens of the Stoneage, it probably won’t happen. But yeah, come by for a good hearty spaghetti dinner…it’ll be worth it.”
Likely? No. Possible? Definitely. So my overall impression of the movie: incredible. It is unquestionably the Independence Day type blockbuster of 2007. It has unparalleled robot fighting action, otherworldly (literally) special effects, and good re-watch powers. And yet it provides me with the unintentional comedy that will dominate my overall thoughts of the movie. “Sam, put the all spark in my chest.”
And by Sam, Optimus Prime meant Sam Donaldson, who is still in your laundry room. Better put a bowl of water in there in case he gets parched.
