I’m not even entirely sure if this is updating anything, but I have my new favorite person of all time. Ever. For all eternity.
I will slowly list hints about him so that you at home can guess along the way, however it is likely at some point I will become overly excited and accidentally blurt out his name. And yes I know it is hard to blurt out while typing, but just grow up and deal with it. It’s happening.
This person is a man (sorry James Van Der Beek, congrats Hillary Clinton).
This person is currently in jail (sorry Jose Offerman).
This person is from the south (Hillary, you are still in it – though you are currently faking the funk by saying you are from New York).
Jonathan Lee Riches.
Damn. I only made three clues. I told you that would happen. This man should also be your favorite person. Why?
He issued a hand written law suit (from jail) to Michael Vick, suing him for “63,000,000,000 billion.” See the document itself... Why? Duh! Because Vick apparently stole his pit bulls, sold them on E-Bay and then used the money to buy missiles from Iran! And honestly, I agree. I think Vick owes all of us at least that much. Look, we originally were ready to put Vick in jail for fighting dogs. Bad enough right? Apparently not – because he is selling the dogs to the enemy and stockpiling what could be a huge cache of missiles. Luckily, if Vick is throwing them, they are unlikely to hit their intended targets, but I digress.
And in case you were wondering what the personal effect was on Mr. Riches, he provided that in the suit as well.
“Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes.”
Mine too, Jonathan Lee Riches, mine too.
In what was a shock to me, as if the rest of this wasn’t, Mr. Riches is apparently well known for filing lawsuits such as these. Apparently he once filed a similarly hand written suit against the following people:
President Bush
Pope Benedict
Tony Danza
Fruit of the Loom
NASCAR
The Ming Dynasty
Skittles candy
The 2005 Philadelphia Eagles
The Doobie Brothers
The Congolese Army
The Magna Carta
WKRP in Cincinnati
King's Dominion amusement park in Virginia
Plato
and last, but certainly not least, the Liberty Bell.
Remember, this was just one lawsuit. Why? Apparently all of the listed defendants owed him money. Whether it was collectively as an entity or individually remains to be seen, but either way it’s a good thing. Really. It is.
By the way, people with three names always make me feel better about myself. I can think of a couple right off the top of my head:
Former NBA player Michael Ray Richardson – drug problems.
Former country star Billy Ray Cyrus – Spends long periods of time getting his hair done, and daughter is more popular than he is.
Jonathan Lee Riches – In jail.
All of these people have three names, all of them are in worse off positions than I am and yet one of them is my new favorite person.
And in honor of Jonathan Lee Riches, I challenge you the readers to post your top potential lawsuit right here at I’m Getting the Band Back Together.
As an example, I am thinking about suing Lady Jay from GI Joes for misleading my Grandmother into investing money in US Bonds, only to use the money invested to acquire large amounts of plastic so as to craft millions of her own action figures for sales around the globe and also for general slander and public defamation when she claimed I smelled bad. I don’t smell bad Lady Jay. I just don’t. The amount? $2.3 hundred thousand million cents.
PS – I have also sued myself multiple times.
Now GO. Post your lawsuits. The winner, judged by me, gets to file his or hers.
I will slowly list hints about him so that you at home can guess along the way, however it is likely at some point I will become overly excited and accidentally blurt out his name. And yes I know it is hard to blurt out while typing, but just grow up and deal with it. It’s happening.
This person is a man (sorry James Van Der Beek, congrats Hillary Clinton).
This person is currently in jail (sorry Jose Offerman).
This person is from the south (Hillary, you are still in it – though you are currently faking the funk by saying you are from New York).
Jonathan Lee Riches.
Damn. I only made three clues. I told you that would happen. This man should also be your favorite person. Why?
He issued a hand written law suit (from jail) to Michael Vick, suing him for “63,000,000,000 billion.” See the document itself... Why? Duh! Because Vick apparently stole his pit bulls, sold them on E-Bay and then used the money to buy missiles from Iran! And honestly, I agree. I think Vick owes all of us at least that much. Look, we originally were ready to put Vick in jail for fighting dogs. Bad enough right? Apparently not – because he is selling the dogs to the enemy and stockpiling what could be a huge cache of missiles. Luckily, if Vick is throwing them, they are unlikely to hit their intended targets, but I digress.
And in case you were wondering what the personal effect was on Mr. Riches, he provided that in the suit as well.
“Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes.”
Mine too, Jonathan Lee Riches, mine too.
In what was a shock to me, as if the rest of this wasn’t, Mr. Riches is apparently well known for filing lawsuits such as these. Apparently he once filed a similarly hand written suit against the following people:
President Bush
Pope Benedict
Tony Danza
Fruit of the Loom
NASCAR
The Ming Dynasty
Skittles candy
The 2005 Philadelphia Eagles
The Doobie Brothers
The Congolese Army
The Magna Carta
WKRP in Cincinnati
King's Dominion amusement park in Virginia
Plato
and last, but certainly not least, the Liberty Bell.
Remember, this was just one lawsuit. Why? Apparently all of the listed defendants owed him money. Whether it was collectively as an entity or individually remains to be seen, but either way it’s a good thing. Really. It is.
By the way, people with three names always make me feel better about myself. I can think of a couple right off the top of my head:
Former NBA player Michael Ray Richardson – drug problems.
Former country star Billy Ray Cyrus – Spends long periods of time getting his hair done, and daughter is more popular than he is.
Jonathan Lee Riches – In jail.
All of these people have three names, all of them are in worse off positions than I am and yet one of them is my new favorite person.
And in honor of Jonathan Lee Riches, I challenge you the readers to post your top potential lawsuit right here at I’m Getting the Band Back Together.
As an example, I am thinking about suing Lady Jay from GI Joes for misleading my Grandmother into investing money in US Bonds, only to use the money invested to acquire large amounts of plastic so as to craft millions of her own action figures for sales around the globe and also for general slander and public defamation when she claimed I smelled bad. I don’t smell bad Lady Jay. I just don’t. The amount? $2.3 hundred thousand million cents.
PS – I have also sued myself multiple times.
Now GO. Post your lawsuits. The winner, judged by me, gets to file his or hers.
