Fake News That Wouldn't Suprise You If It Were True, But No Worries Because It Isn't And Hopefully Won't Be

According to authorities in Jamalpur, a northern city in Bangladesh, American movie star Angelina Jolie will arrive tomorrow in an attempt to adopt the entire town. Jolie, 31, has been on an adoption binge of sorts over the past year and is apparently indiscriminant in her adoption strategies.

“I would like to adopt the whole world,” said a questionably lucid Jolie last week at a convention in the Republic of Maldives for terminally ill dung beetles. “I want to be the mother to the world. I would take that very seriously – being the mother of the world.”

Since that statement, Jolie has set out to do just that. She just finalized the adoption of a 3-year old Vietnamese child named Pham Quang Sang on March 15, and subsequently changed his name to the much more manageable Pax Thien, reportedly meaning “Peace Sky” in a mix of two similar languages – Latin and Vietnamese. Coupled with her adoption of Pax Thien, Jolie will have adopted 116,755 people in the past week once the paperwork is finalized.

Reactions in Bangladesh, the world’s 7th largest country, were mixed as the word spread. Mahara Shavaran, the country’s Minister of Tourism, expressed optimism that this would boost the economy and increase tourism exponentially.

“Having a world recognized star like Brangelina Jolie-Pitt come to our country is a great thing,” said Shavaran by phone. “Just her presence should raise awareness around the world about our beautiful country. Add that to the fact that she is adopting over 100,000 people, and you have match made in heaven.”

Citizens of Jamalpur had a decidedly less positive outlook.

“I already have a mother,” said Mitch al-Jalal, 54, “and I don’t even like her so why would I want another one?”

al-Jalal’s sentiments were shared by other Jamalpurians.

“I don’t know who she thinks she is,” scolded Savita Krishana, 86, “but I am old enough to be her grandmother so I don’t know how I’ll react if she tells me to go to bed. I mean, I guess I’ll listen, but I won’t be happy about it.”

Farud Alzemi, 31, a local chef and community activist said he will, “… most definitely not finish my broccoli even if it means sitting at the table until the next morning. I don’t care what she thinks. I don’t like broccoli.”

Jolie herself did not seem to be too worried about the reactions of her future children yesterday as she sat in on a “Food for Ferrets” luncheon in New Zealand’s capital city of Wellington.

“They will come around,” said the Tomb Raider starlet. “When I researched my role for Lara Croft, I really got to see the world outside the United States and realized that I could be a mother to everybody. And even those with initial concerns will be won over by my loving nature and propensity for renaming human beings.”

Jolie’s confidence may remain unshaken in part because of the trend she has started among other celebrities. Madonna recently adopted a baby along with husband Guy Ritchie and it is rumored that the trend has even reached Carrot Top, who reportedly adopted the entire world’s population of flying squirrels.

Once rumored to have an incestuous relationship with her brother and known for wearing a vile of ex-husband Billy Bob Thornton’s blood around her neck, Jolie has resurrected her once tarnished image to serve currently as a Goodwill Ambassador for the UN Refugee Agency.

In related news, Britney Spears and O.J. Simpson have been named co-chairs of the U.N.’s newly formed Child Edumacation Advisory Board.

Tuesday Tidbits: Wednesday Edition

After a long week with no posts, I am returning with bullet point style ferocity. No delay. Go.


- It is March Madness time! So let’s talk hockey. The Holy Trinity of Mario Lemieux, Sidney Crosby, and Evgeni Malkin and Jordan Staal were saved by Pittsburgh’s new arena deal Tuesday. (Before I get unreasonable comments, I know I mentioned four people in the Trinity – but Lemieux holds the place of the Father, Crosby the son, and Malkin and Staal combine to form the Holy Spirit, so it works.) This is great news for a number of reasons, not the least of which has to do with them being a budding perennial power. Objectively speaking, with those three players (all 20 and under), a 22 year old goalie that will only get better, and the spending money made available to them by the new arena it is safe to predict at least one Stanley Cup with a ceiling in the 3 – 5 range over the next 10 – 15 years.

- Also, it means at least one more season of getting to see one of my new favorite players “Gorgeous” Georges (pronounce the s) Laraque for at least another year. This is important because: A) He is the toughest guy in the league and keeps the Son and the Holy Spirit safe, and B) He wishes his fight opponents luck before wildly smashing their faces with an oversized left hand. He then offers them a sip of chamomile and a crumpet upon entering the penalty box. He is a throwback that transcends hockey. He is the sports equivalent to the 18th Century British Army that used to schedule their battles, line up directly across from the opposition and basically take turns shooting and only get pissy when proper conduct and order was not adhered to (PS – I defy you to give me one good reason why this would have been smart). And so he shall remain “Gorgeous” and retreat to the forest, where he will diminish.

- People who can’t control the tone and volume of their voices are unbelievably entertaining in short doses. Take, for instance, an Arby’s manager who can pretty much take your breath away by bellowing monotone style like Will Ferrell in the old SNL skits. On top of that, very little of what he has to say is relevant or even accurate for that matter. The following is an almost exact recreation of a typical scene:

98 Year old Man: I’ll have two number 1 combos with … (interrupted)

Monotone Man (very close to the man’s face at this point and erupting with jet engine like decibel force): BOTH OF THOSE ARE COMBOS SIR. WHY WOULD YOU GET TWO OF THE SAME COMBOS?

98 Year old Man (confused and picking up his hat, blown off his head by hot, loud, and monotone wind): What?
Monotone Man (ignoring both his own previous line of questioning and the question he was asked): WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DRINK?

98 Year old Man: Coffee.

Monotone Man (getting louder): SO YOU WANT TO SUBSTITUTE A COFFEE FOR THE SOFT DRINK IN BOTH OF YOUR COMBOS? OR MAYBE JUST ONE OF THEM? WHY WOULD YOU GET COFFEE WITH THIS? THE AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY OF THE AFRICAN MALE LION IS 15 – 18 YEARS IN THE WILD, BUT CAN BE MORE IN CAPTIVITY.

It should also be noted that this is a Bizarro Arby’s. The other people who work there are all over 60, and one of them is shaped like a bowling pin. She also has bitter beer face permanently. Just saying.

- Forwards continue to be a thorn in the side of humanity. Please do not imply that I do not love God if I don’t read this e-mail. Or that if I don’t send this to 10 people in the next hour, 6 Guatemalan babies will disappear from the earth. And it would be my fault. I could save them, but I choose to not continue in the spreading of the forward. It has now transferred to cell phone forwards, typically consisting of a picture and some sort of sound file. None of this is relevant to anything, but I just got an e-mail that said “Read this only if you have time for God.” Like He would really guilt you into reading an e-mail (Catholic joke).

- Madison Square Garden is a weird place. It the equivalent of my buddy Podz’ mom’s old ’93 Blazer (fire engine red). You know it’s a bit worn down, and it is almost certainly been out of date for a decade or so, and it probably has cigarette burns that only a few people know about, but you love it for the history. For the experiences within its hallowed doors, or in the case of MSG, its walls. It is as aesthetically unpleasing as a building can be both outside and in – although travelers on 7th Ave. are saved an eyesore by 2 Penn Plaza. The seats are a horrendous mix of pastel blue and light purple and the cushions are almost non existent thanks to 40 years of American obesity. You need a high powered flashlight to make your way around once you are inside the seating area. It smells of urine, alcohol, and stale food. And there is no better place to see a basketball game. From the unparalleled floor lighting to the fan behind you screaming words indecipherable to everyone but himself at the ref, it has everything you need for a good basketball environment.

- A big thank you to President George W. Bush. You changed the entire flow of time! Great move! If there was one thing I thought wrong about America, it was the early sunset. But now that you have fixed that problem, what will you do next?!? I’ve got it! Let’s change the American currency to bituminous coal! That will solve our problems.