Today, the band is truly back together. A hiatus of epic proportions … over. And by “epic” I mean the way Waterworld and Pearl Harbor were epic.
Benefits of having the band back together:
1) Frank Stallone picture back in the fold of day to day activities
2) Terrible injustices of society revealed
3) Possibility of a Candace Bergen, Frank Stallone, paper plate ménage a trios
4) Good hard American French fried truth served with a side of Ranch
The return of the Tuesday Tidbit is also noteworthy, but most likely only to me. Sorry. To my 1.5 loyal readers, I am sorry you had to see that. Daddy loves you.
So here we go.
April O’Neil Switches Sides
According to Pittsburgh’s WTAE, two females dressed as Ninjas robbed a Richland Township gas station (Strictly for these...). Wielding a sword and a dagger, the two entered the store and tied the attendant up, most likely using a space age dental floss grown only in Montana. Yes, they were in the traditional black wrap garb, but most likely substituted the Merrill Clog for the traditional ninja footwear, citing bad backs and lack of arch support in the process. The local chapter of the Foot Clan is claiming no responsibility, but me thinks that April O’Neil has finally gotten over Raphy and moved on to a life of crime to support her smack habit. Just a thought.
Kim Jong Il and Bin Laden to Headline Warped Tour
Don’t think it is a possibility, huh? Well what about Iranian Prime Minister/President/raving-lunatic-homeless-man-talking-to-himself-on-the-street-about-coffee-without-pants-on Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speaking before a Columbia University student section … at the invite of the school president, Lee Bollinger? Still nothing? Well in the words of Ricky Bobby, “That just happened.”
In a modern version of inviting Chairman Mao to speak at your second daughter’s pre-school commencement, Ahmadinejad took shots and gave a few himself during his town drunk/hall style meeting. And yes we are the country of free speech, but since when is it a good move to invite incendiary dictators onto the home-turf for a free publicity stunt? Not to get too political or too preachy, but at a time when we are not thought of as anything but a nuisance to the world, at best, it would seem that we should go out of our way to keep the representative of a country who despises our way of life as quiet as possible. Instead, we offer a pulpit from which he can spew rhetoric to impressionable youth itching for a cause, and at the same time receive media attention that carries his wayward message ever farther than he himself could have. Misguided to say the least. To put it in perspective, does anyone really believe the same courtesy of a public forum would be afforded to President Bush in Tehran? I didn’t think so.
Despite our fundamental flaw in the scheduling, there were more than a few highlights from Ahmadinejad, such as:
- Still not enough research to prove the Holocaust as a reality (Hasn’t seen Schindler’s list)
- Called for free elections to determine the fate of Israel (Wonder if the Israeli’s will get a vote?)
- Usual anti-American rhetoric, with a twist of lime (Lemon is too acidic)
- Claimed women have highest amounts of freedom in Iran (If by freedom he meant the freedom to cover everything but their eyes or be buried to their neck and stoned to death, then yeah, I’m in)
But he saved the biggest bomb (no pun, I swear) for the revelation that – sorry Lance Bass, Rosie O’Donnell, and Tom Cruise – there are NO homosexuals in Iran. Zero. This, in my opinion, is the biggest thing holding Iranian fashion back. And dinner theater in Tehran leaves a lot to be desired. Low brow humor, however, still lives here. Regardless, this is a stunning assertion. Mathematical evidence is non-existent. This is like President Bush going public with “There is no such thing as wind.” And really sticking to it. I can’t wait to see how this plays out, but my guess is ABC will be running some type of “Guy-ran: Growing Up Gay in The Middle East” special. Keep and eye out, it is on its way.
Next week, look for Hugo Chavez in a one-hour comedy special on HBO.
Milton Bradley Doesn’t Play Games
San Diago outfielder Milton Bradley (too easy) blew up at an umpire Sunday, and consequently blew out his knee, all while completely blowing the Padres’ season. The volatile Bradley was allegedly verbally attacked by a sneaky umpire after reaching first base, but managed to call time, walk back to first base, touch the bag and then launch himself into a tirade for the ages. Padre’s manager and upcoming beer Bud Black attempted to intervene and in the wrestling match that ensued Bradley tore his ACL, costing him the rest of this year and part of next. This all had a very Vince McMahonical feel to it as Bradley overreacted and then was felled by a middle aged man in tight pants. What I believe will happen is Bradley will quit baseball and eventually wrestle in a main event match against PacMan Jones, setting up an 80’s name match in which the winner receives a Rubik’s Cube and a pair of Adidas.
Speaking of Tirades for the Ages
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoMmbUmKN0E
Coach Gundy was speaking to, and pointing at, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Whatever Ahmadinejad, I’ve downgraded you because I’m a man. I’m 40.
Benefits of having the band back together:
1) Frank Stallone picture back in the fold of day to day activities
2) Terrible injustices of society revealed
3) Possibility of a Candace Bergen, Frank Stallone, paper plate ménage a trios
4) Good hard American French fried truth served with a side of Ranch
The return of the Tuesday Tidbit is also noteworthy, but most likely only to me. Sorry. To my 1.5 loyal readers, I am sorry you had to see that. Daddy loves you.
So here we go.
April O’Neil Switches Sides
According to Pittsburgh’s WTAE, two females dressed as Ninjas robbed a Richland Township gas station (Strictly for these...). Wielding a sword and a dagger, the two entered the store and tied the attendant up, most likely using a space age dental floss grown only in Montana. Yes, they were in the traditional black wrap garb, but most likely substituted the Merrill Clog for the traditional ninja footwear, citing bad backs and lack of arch support in the process. The local chapter of the Foot Clan is claiming no responsibility, but me thinks that April O’Neil has finally gotten over Raphy and moved on to a life of crime to support her smack habit. Just a thought.
Kim Jong Il and Bin Laden to Headline Warped Tour
Don’t think it is a possibility, huh? Well what about Iranian Prime Minister/President/raving-lunatic-homeless-man-talking-to-himself-on-the-street-about-coffee-without-pants-on Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speaking before a Columbia University student section … at the invite of the school president, Lee Bollinger? Still nothing? Well in the words of Ricky Bobby, “That just happened.”
In a modern version of inviting Chairman Mao to speak at your second daughter’s pre-school commencement, Ahmadinejad took shots and gave a few himself during his town drunk/hall style meeting. And yes we are the country of free speech, but since when is it a good move to invite incendiary dictators onto the home-turf for a free publicity stunt? Not to get too political or too preachy, but at a time when we are not thought of as anything but a nuisance to the world, at best, it would seem that we should go out of our way to keep the representative of a country who despises our way of life as quiet as possible. Instead, we offer a pulpit from which he can spew rhetoric to impressionable youth itching for a cause, and at the same time receive media attention that carries his wayward message ever farther than he himself could have. Misguided to say the least. To put it in perspective, does anyone really believe the same courtesy of a public forum would be afforded to President Bush in Tehran? I didn’t think so.
Despite our fundamental flaw in the scheduling, there were more than a few highlights from Ahmadinejad, such as:
- Still not enough research to prove the Holocaust as a reality (Hasn’t seen Schindler’s list)
- Called for free elections to determine the fate of Israel (Wonder if the Israeli’s will get a vote?)
- Usual anti-American rhetoric, with a twist of lime (Lemon is too acidic)
- Claimed women have highest amounts of freedom in Iran (If by freedom he meant the freedom to cover everything but their eyes or be buried to their neck and stoned to death, then yeah, I’m in)
But he saved the biggest bomb (no pun, I swear) for the revelation that – sorry Lance Bass, Rosie O’Donnell, and Tom Cruise – there are NO homosexuals in Iran. Zero. This, in my opinion, is the biggest thing holding Iranian fashion back. And dinner theater in Tehran leaves a lot to be desired. Low brow humor, however, still lives here. Regardless, this is a stunning assertion. Mathematical evidence is non-existent. This is like President Bush going public with “There is no such thing as wind.” And really sticking to it. I can’t wait to see how this plays out, but my guess is ABC will be running some type of “Guy-ran: Growing Up Gay in The Middle East” special. Keep and eye out, it is on its way.
Next week, look for Hugo Chavez in a one-hour comedy special on HBO.
Milton Bradley Doesn’t Play Games
San Diago outfielder Milton Bradley (too easy) blew up at an umpire Sunday, and consequently blew out his knee, all while completely blowing the Padres’ season. The volatile Bradley was allegedly verbally attacked by a sneaky umpire after reaching first base, but managed to call time, walk back to first base, touch the bag and then launch himself into a tirade for the ages. Padre’s manager and upcoming beer Bud Black attempted to intervene and in the wrestling match that ensued Bradley tore his ACL, costing him the rest of this year and part of next. This all had a very Vince McMahonical feel to it as Bradley overreacted and then was felled by a middle aged man in tight pants. What I believe will happen is Bradley will quit baseball and eventually wrestle in a main event match against PacMan Jones, setting up an 80’s name match in which the winner receives a Rubik’s Cube and a pair of Adidas.
Speaking of Tirades for the Ages
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoMmbUmKN0E
Coach Gundy was speaking to, and pointing at, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Whatever Ahmadinejad, I’ve downgraded you because I’m a man. I’m 40.
