Award Shows

Tonight is apparently a great night for those who follow, or are themselves in, the Hollywood circle. Yes, from 8 p.m. until sometime early Monday morning, actors, actresses and activists will grace our airwaves on the Oscars. And I'll be honest here - I don't get it.

For one thing, there is an award show about every week and a half. And they never seem to run out. Tonight, the Oscars. Next week the Pizza Hut Stuffed Crust Pizza Awards. The following week, join us as we celebrate great actors who's names end with the "om" sound at the Namesies. Tom Selleck will be receiving a Lifetime Achievement award for his work on Magnum, P.I. and Mr. Baseball. Tom Cruise will be receiving the award for "Shortest Movie Man to Ever Completely Lose His Mind in Public, Jump on a Couch, and Misuse Simple English Words." It is not yet known if he will graciously bow with "praying hands" clasped as if to say, "No, America ... I salute you," in the most condescending way humanly possible, so make sure you tune in. As an aside, Brian Dennehy will host. The point being, how many times a year do celebrities need to get together to tell each other how great they are? Which brings me to my next point ...

Nowhere in the history of mankind has one profession's importance to society been more overstated than at Award Shows. Acting is: pretending to be somebody else. Acting is not: stem cell research. However, those participating in acting would have you believe that it is by far the hardest thing in the world to do. Harder even than running the country, which of course all actors think they can do (more on this later). "Researching" roles for movies based on real people often becomes more than reading books or talking to people the subject once knew. It becomes organic, enlightening, humbling, and glib. Wait, is that how you use glib? I don't understand why we let actors get away with saying they prepared for a role organically. Explain. Please. "Well, I really wanted to become insert person here, so I acted like him." GOOD. That is your job! That is acting. Way to go! What was so organic about it? You watered yourself without chemicals? Nice. Keep it up.

Shouldn't they reserve award shows for people who make real and tangible contributions to society? For instance, the Nobel Prize Awards should be a red carpet event. We should honor great teachers, doctors, and community leaders. Or, we could have one for Politics called The Pollies where the award statue is a beer bottle adorned with naked interns standing on a check book. Just a thought.

Speaking of politics ... why is it that every A through D list actor thinks they are better prepared to run this country than our actual elected officials? Does Bill Pullman's "We will not go quietly into the night. We will not vanish without a fight," speech from Independence Day qualify him to actually lead the nation? In my opinion, yes, but in reality probably not. It just seems like award shows are the usual platform for the Susan Sarandons and Sean Penns to force their political beliefs and agendas down our throats. And now accepting the award for Best Performance in a Great Movie, Scott Bakula of Quantum Leap: The Movie! "Thank you, thank you ("praying hands" and head bowing). You know, this was really a great movie. But what I'd like to talk about tonight is something that really touches us all. And that is Feline Abortion. The numbers don't lie. If we stopped spending billions of dollars on this war, and started educating our young kittens about the dangers of Feline Abortions, then calicoes like these (slide show of really sad cats) may have made better decisions. Luckily, this is President Bush's last term. But next election, I ask you - neigh - IMPLORE you to vote for the candidate who has taken a stand against Feline Abortion ... "

Which brings me to my last point, acceptance speeches. Aside from being the judge of the Anna Nicole Smith hearings, there are very few places where people tend to break down into incoherent ramblings more than on stage at Award Shows. There are four basic steps to the award show acceptance speech. Step one - thank God (whichever one you are believing in at the time). Step two, and by far the most important part - pretend you are surprised by your win by saying something along the lines of, "WOW. I really, really didn't expect this. This is a shock - it really is. And a blessing." Step three - shed tears (you MUST cry). And lastly, step four - say, "I have so many people I want to thank," and read a list of names that you might as well have picked out of the phone book until the music comes on and some celebrity's daughter stands nervously behind you with the "Seriously, we have to go" look on her face, but keep on plowing through the M's until they cut the mic. Then again, there is one other option for the speech - the already discussed political diatribe. But be careful with that, should you talk too much you may actually have to go to Iraq with Sean Penn next time to show your distaste for the war.

Well, it looks like the music's coming on and I've been up here so long that Nicole Richie, who was behind me, lost some more weight and vanished while waiting for me to be done, so I'll leave you with this. Instead of watching the Oscar's, or any other award show for that matter, I suggest you do something constructive with your time. Like play Guitar Hero on Playstation!