Twenty-four hours from now, a group of brave men will caulk the wagon, ford the river, and avoid dysentery. Oregon Trail, it is not. Trout season it is. For a quick recap – the first three sentences included an Oregon Trail reference and two straight Yoda statements. But all are true. Take that to the bank and smoke it.
I have really started to get into this idea of fishing. So much so that I have named my rod (grow up). Its name ceases to be Ugly Stik Quantum as of this moment (9:41 a.m.) and will be instead ……………… Candace Sturgeon. I expect Candace to bring in a haul of trout that would make the men of Deadliest Catch jealous. There are only a few things that I am presently worried about.
1) Sharks
2) Vengeful Trout siblings and lovers
3) Fish Commission Gestapo
4) The weather
The two I am most worried about from that list are the Fish Commission and sharks. I will start with sharks. As I understand it, we will be standing in quick moving water up to approximately our knees. So as not to scare the fish, it is supposedly imperative to keep completely still under water. And judging by the muddy consistency of most of the creek beds I have been around, I would give us an 84% chance of sinking into the ground enough to be effectively stuck. Should a shark make its way downstream during this critical stage of trout fishing, a catastrophe would surely follow. I have already spoken with the local paramedics and the National Fish and Wildlife Association, and both are on alert for shark sightings in the area.
As for the Fish Commission, word on the streets is they have more power than police, the Armed Forces, and President George Bush. Combined. From what I understand, they have been behind every major conflict of the past 30 years. Any time you apply for a loan, the Fish Commission approves or denies it. If you remove the tag from your mattress, expect a Fish Commission representative at your door within 48 hours. The Fish commission was behind the sinking of the Titanic AND the subsequent James Cameron documentary on finding it. I am worried that tomorrow morning, just as Candace Sturgeon and I pull in an 8 foot striped trout, Lawrence B. Lawenforcement of the Fish Commission Secret Opening Day of Trout Creek Enforcement Unit Team, or FCSODTCEUT as they like to be known, will knock me over and cause me to be attacked by a shark. This would be the opposite of good. To put it bluntly, I know I will be lacking in the etiquette department and I’m a little worried that my trout stamp will fall out of its holder and I’ll have to spend 9 years in the tributary of a penitentiary for Wrongful Wrangling of a Creek Trout.
The goods, however, far outweigh the bads in the world of fishing. I expect to make a meal of 5 gorgeous trout. I expect to start listening to this song (courtesy of my buddy Diddy) WAY more often: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8O3Plt8DyMk (side note – please note the stonewashed denim looking guitar). And I expect that when it comes to for me to tie that blood knot while its 38 degrees and raining and fish are scurrying around at my feet, that I will tie the single greatest blood knot ever.
I have really started to get into this idea of fishing. So much so that I have named my rod (grow up). Its name ceases to be Ugly Stik Quantum as of this moment (9:41 a.m.) and will be instead ……………… Candace Sturgeon. I expect Candace to bring in a haul of trout that would make the men of Deadliest Catch jealous. There are only a few things that I am presently worried about.
1) Sharks
2) Vengeful Trout siblings and lovers
3) Fish Commission Gestapo
4) The weather
The two I am most worried about from that list are the Fish Commission and sharks. I will start with sharks. As I understand it, we will be standing in quick moving water up to approximately our knees. So as not to scare the fish, it is supposedly imperative to keep completely still under water. And judging by the muddy consistency of most of the creek beds I have been around, I would give us an 84% chance of sinking into the ground enough to be effectively stuck. Should a shark make its way downstream during this critical stage of trout fishing, a catastrophe would surely follow. I have already spoken with the local paramedics and the National Fish and Wildlife Association, and both are on alert for shark sightings in the area.
As for the Fish Commission, word on the streets is they have more power than police, the Armed Forces, and President George Bush. Combined. From what I understand, they have been behind every major conflict of the past 30 years. Any time you apply for a loan, the Fish Commission approves or denies it. If you remove the tag from your mattress, expect a Fish Commission representative at your door within 48 hours. The Fish commission was behind the sinking of the Titanic AND the subsequent James Cameron documentary on finding it. I am worried that tomorrow morning, just as Candace Sturgeon and I pull in an 8 foot striped trout, Lawrence B. Lawenforcement of the Fish Commission Secret Opening Day of Trout Creek Enforcement Unit Team, or FCSODTCEUT as they like to be known, will knock me over and cause me to be attacked by a shark. This would be the opposite of good. To put it bluntly, I know I will be lacking in the etiquette department and I’m a little worried that my trout stamp will fall out of its holder and I’ll have to spend 9 years in the tributary of a penitentiary for Wrongful Wrangling of a Creek Trout.
The goods, however, far outweigh the bads in the world of fishing. I expect to make a meal of 5 gorgeous trout. I expect to start listening to this song (courtesy of my buddy Diddy) WAY more often: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8O3Plt8DyMk (side note – please note the stonewashed denim looking guitar). And I expect that when it comes to for me to tie that blood knot while its 38 degrees and raining and fish are scurrying around at my feet, that I will tie the single greatest blood knot ever.
3 comments:
Sharks and 8 foot trout? You must be fishing in Germany. Beautiful countryside, Germany. There's very little we know about the Germans, but one thing's for sure. The days of David Hasslehoff are over, now begins the reign of Frank Stallone.
-RC
Playoff beard is rocking and rolling.
Post a Comment