(Right) Alec Baldwin speaks to his son.
Fish out of Water – I’m no Skeet Reese http://proxy.espn.go.com/outdoors/bassmaster/media/angler?anglerId=12304
After the opening day shutout, fish have seemingly gained a gigantic mental edge on me. This should not be even remotely surprising, as I have the intelligence of a night-crawler. But after a Thursday afternoon fishing foray turned into yet another shutout, and I was 0-230 on casts and 0-2 on fishing in general. Peter Gammons estimated my OPS to be somewhere around -.923. Even Dave Littlefield wouldn’t offer me a contract. However, there I was Saturday back to the scene of the crime hoping that Candace Sturgeon could get off the schneid.
Three hours later, after my buddy Diddy was called a “trash-mouth” from across the lake, and well after his cousin (and one of my favorite people) Walde finished reading his Hills recap in UsWeekly, Candace Sturgeon hit her stride. I had a few bites early in the afternoon, and had seemingly hooked a trout while everyone was at the pavilion a few hundred yards away. However, the trout came out of the water about halfway to shore and lost the hook in the process. This put me in a weird situation. I had to explain this to Diddy and Walde, but after my lack of success and utter desperation to pull in something with fins, I was worried they would think I was telling fishing tales. Luckily, Candace and I teamed up for a sun-fish. Then, we went on a torrid streak during which we had bites every other cast and pulled in three mid to small sized bass. Vindicated? Sure. Satisfied? No. I want to catch a blue whale in a stream. Then, I will be satisfied. Maybe.
Alec Baldwin Accused of Stabbing Daughter With Verbal Dagger
I mean are you serious? Calling your child a pig? Nothing solidifies your public perception better than verbally abusing your kid on voicemail. Kim Basinger may be the female Satan, but Baldwin dipped to a new low while threatening Ireland – daughter, not country – to fly to New York just to straighten her out. Now that I think about it though, I am of the belief that this was actually a veiled threat to the country of Ireland as well. It all makes sense. Follow me here.
Baldwin brothers are notorious for being Hollywood tough guys. And even though this is similar to being a short tall guy, I am sure that Baldwin has been in his fair share of scraps (with various butlers, maids, and other servants). It is also widely known that the Baldwins very much dislike people with red hair. So Baldwin, using tremendous foresight, named his daughter Ireland so that later in life when he publicly lambasted and threatened her, he could simultaneously challenge red haired Irish people to a fight and thus prove his pugilistic prowess (alliteration tangent, sorry). Just a theory.
Also, while we’re on it, Mr. and Mrs. Baldwin really did Alec a disservice by not adding a “k” and “s” to his name. Either that or drop the “c” and add an “x”. Alec? Seriously? Short for Alecander apparently, which when you say it feels like you have a severe impediment of some sort. In fact, blink really hard when you get to the “c” part of Alecander. See?
The Bachelor is Dumb: That’s it. He is Dumb.
So I watched the Bachelor last night and while you make fun of me I will be quiet. But after hearing about what an all American man this guy apparently was, I decided to watch it. Plus, I have put my girlfriend through enough hockey and basketball to last a lifetime, so I figured I could compromise. Anyways, what I saw surprised me more than coming home to find Michael J. Fox in my bathtub making a Caesar salad using a catcher’s mitt for a bowl. Every single person on that show had completely thrown in the towel on all sincerity. Sarcasm, look it up. This was a very weak showing by everyone involved. The girls were spreading blatantly untrue and inconsequential rumors. Tears flowed more frequently than Jason Wahler appears on TMZ.com (PS, check out J-Wahl playing Russian Roulette – STUNNING http://www.tmz.com/2007/04/23/wahler-plays-russian-roulette/ ). One girl cried BEFORE she went on the date with the Bachelor. A premonition or a terrible ploy for publicity? Both.
Maybe the worst part of the show, aside from the entire thing, was the Bachelor himself. The show is subtitled An Officer and a Gentleman or something like that. This guy drives a $500 k Lamborghini, is a doctor, a naval officer, an aspiring astronaut, a televangelist, a bear, a catfish noodler, a tax attorney, and an interior decorator for ant farms. Oh, and he does decathlons just to rub it in the face of every guy working a mid level job and driving a Scion and eating Wendy’s for lunch.
But every man should feel vindicated so long as he never used the following line uttered by the bachelor to a woman he had met (for a TV show) only days or weeks before: “You are my sanctuary.” Yup. He said it. At what point do you completely lose your mind and start saying things that don’t even make sense? And don’t tell me I’m insensitive and he was being sweet. I express my feelings better than Lance Bass, and my girlfriend will attest to that, but what this guy said doesn’t even make sense! “You are my sanctuary.” Grow up. I was half amazed he didn’t tell another one of the women that she was his telephone or bike rack for his car. You are my imitation marble counter. My keychain. My box of Franzia chardonnay. My paid attendance. All of these things. And yet other times, you could tell he wasn’t even being remotely sincere. He lobbed compliments with a smirk on his face that came off as, “Maybe if I compliment you, you will forget that we are on TV and stay in my room tonight for casual sex.”
At another point, as another woman poured her “heart” out to him, he exclaimed, “My heart is open. And you are one of the reasons!” Good thing he is a doctor and can probably close that. Pretty dangerous, those open hearts. The thing that worries me is that there may be women out there who are questioning why their man doesn’t say things like that to them. Or worse yet women whose men ARE saying these things. These men should remember that you don’t have to give your masculinity away to get a girl. And these women should remember that men who speak like this only want one thing: a TV show.
After the opening day shutout, fish have seemingly gained a gigantic mental edge on me. This should not be even remotely surprising, as I have the intelligence of a night-crawler. But after a Thursday afternoon fishing foray turned into yet another shutout, and I was 0-230 on casts and 0-2 on fishing in general. Peter Gammons estimated my OPS to be somewhere around -.923. Even Dave Littlefield wouldn’t offer me a contract. However, there I was Saturday back to the scene of the crime hoping that Candace Sturgeon could get off the schneid.
Three hours later, after my buddy Diddy was called a “trash-mouth” from across the lake, and well after his cousin (and one of my favorite people) Walde finished reading his Hills recap in UsWeekly, Candace Sturgeon hit her stride. I had a few bites early in the afternoon, and had seemingly hooked a trout while everyone was at the pavilion a few hundred yards away. However, the trout came out of the water about halfway to shore and lost the hook in the process. This put me in a weird situation. I had to explain this to Diddy and Walde, but after my lack of success and utter desperation to pull in something with fins, I was worried they would think I was telling fishing tales. Luckily, Candace and I teamed up for a sun-fish. Then, we went on a torrid streak during which we had bites every other cast and pulled in three mid to small sized bass. Vindicated? Sure. Satisfied? No. I want to catch a blue whale in a stream. Then, I will be satisfied. Maybe.
Alec Baldwin Accused of Stabbing Daughter With Verbal Dagger
I mean are you serious? Calling your child a pig? Nothing solidifies your public perception better than verbally abusing your kid on voicemail. Kim Basinger may be the female Satan, but Baldwin dipped to a new low while threatening Ireland – daughter, not country – to fly to New York just to straighten her out. Now that I think about it though, I am of the belief that this was actually a veiled threat to the country of Ireland as well. It all makes sense. Follow me here.
Baldwin brothers are notorious for being Hollywood tough guys. And even though this is similar to being a short tall guy, I am sure that Baldwin has been in his fair share of scraps (with various butlers, maids, and other servants). It is also widely known that the Baldwins very much dislike people with red hair. So Baldwin, using tremendous foresight, named his daughter Ireland so that later in life when he publicly lambasted and threatened her, he could simultaneously challenge red haired Irish people to a fight and thus prove his pugilistic prowess (alliteration tangent, sorry). Just a theory.
Also, while we’re on it, Mr. and Mrs. Baldwin really did Alec a disservice by not adding a “k” and “s” to his name. Either that or drop the “c” and add an “x”. Alec? Seriously? Short for Alecander apparently, which when you say it feels like you have a severe impediment of some sort. In fact, blink really hard when you get to the “c” part of Alecander. See?
The Bachelor is Dumb: That’s it. He is Dumb.
So I watched the Bachelor last night and while you make fun of me I will be quiet. But after hearing about what an all American man this guy apparently was, I decided to watch it. Plus, I have put my girlfriend through enough hockey and basketball to last a lifetime, so I figured I could compromise. Anyways, what I saw surprised me more than coming home to find Michael J. Fox in my bathtub making a Caesar salad using a catcher’s mitt for a bowl. Every single person on that show had completely thrown in the towel on all sincerity. Sarcasm, look it up. This was a very weak showing by everyone involved. The girls were spreading blatantly untrue and inconsequential rumors. Tears flowed more frequently than Jason Wahler appears on TMZ.com (PS, check out J-Wahl playing Russian Roulette – STUNNING http://www.tmz.com/2007/04/23/wahler-plays-russian-roulette/ ). One girl cried BEFORE she went on the date with the Bachelor. A premonition or a terrible ploy for publicity? Both.
Maybe the worst part of the show, aside from the entire thing, was the Bachelor himself. The show is subtitled An Officer and a Gentleman or something like that. This guy drives a $500 k Lamborghini, is a doctor, a naval officer, an aspiring astronaut, a televangelist, a bear, a catfish noodler, a tax attorney, and an interior decorator for ant farms. Oh, and he does decathlons just to rub it in the face of every guy working a mid level job and driving a Scion and eating Wendy’s for lunch.
But every man should feel vindicated so long as he never used the following line uttered by the bachelor to a woman he had met (for a TV show) only days or weeks before: “You are my sanctuary.” Yup. He said it. At what point do you completely lose your mind and start saying things that don’t even make sense? And don’t tell me I’m insensitive and he was being sweet. I express my feelings better than Lance Bass, and my girlfriend will attest to that, but what this guy said doesn’t even make sense! “You are my sanctuary.” Grow up. I was half amazed he didn’t tell another one of the women that she was his telephone or bike rack for his car. You are my imitation marble counter. My keychain. My box of Franzia chardonnay. My paid attendance. All of these things. And yet other times, you could tell he wasn’t even being remotely sincere. He lobbed compliments with a smirk on his face that came off as, “Maybe if I compliment you, you will forget that we are on TV and stay in my room tonight for casual sex.”
At another point, as another woman poured her “heart” out to him, he exclaimed, “My heart is open. And you are one of the reasons!” Good thing he is a doctor and can probably close that. Pretty dangerous, those open hearts. The thing that worries me is that there may be women out there who are questioning why their man doesn’t say things like that to them. Or worse yet women whose men ARE saying these things. These men should remember that you don’t have to give your masculinity away to get a girl. And these women should remember that men who speak like this only want one thing: a TV show.
No comments:
Post a Comment