http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrJrdBVx8XM
It’s been a while. You didn’t even know I was gone. It’s ok. But while you were sitting around being a putz, I was out making things happen. Yeah. Making big things happen. I walked the earth looking for an answer to life’s great question. I swam in the Yangtze. I climbed the MatterHorn. I lapped the bulls in Spain. I drank directly from Poland Springs (tasted like cabbage). I watched my buddy the Mick perform The Doors’ “Light My Fire” with BOTH hands on the mic while doing karaoke at the Beer Gardens in Niagara Falls, Canada. You know, all of the things you could only dream of doing while you ate Pop Tarts in your basement and listened to old Pat Benetar albums.
For the record, life’s question turned out to be multiple choice, and the answer is “c”.
But a lot changed while I toured the world. And I need to comment. For me. And for Nancy (vague Pete Yorn reference). So I am taking a break from my Star Wars like golf trip saga (just a short one) to focus on some recent developments that deserve to run the gauntlet through my sarcasm.
(Ahmad Rashad voice) Iiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnn Reewwwwiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnd.
Bucco Breakup
I’ll keep this relatively short, and I don’t want to make too big a deal out of this, but the Pirates and I have broken up. Finally. After 25 years, I couldn’t take any more of the complaining, the jealousy, the drafting of the 5th best pitcher available 4th overall. You know, the normal stuff that breaks up a relationship. And I’m happy to say, I’ve moved on. I have. And the Marlins don’t treat me nearly as bad. They have pride. They take care of themselves. And they have the right values. I don’t know if we’ll stay together, and I guess you never know, but honestly … it feels good.
Sportscenter Sob Sentral
So central was spelled wrong. I didn’t have time to breathe each letter into my hand as I typed like the spelling bee girl from a few years ago. But Sportscenter, and many ESPN shows for that matter, have been making watching sports hard for me over the past year or two. I don’t know when it started, but apparently ESPN finds it to be a good idea to take something inane and mindlessly entertaining (sports highlights) and turn it into a docu-drama that makes you become emotionally invested and leaves you sobbing like a 5 year old who got his hand stuck in the toaster of his sister’s miniature kitchen set in his parents basement while trying to remove one of his Starcom toys (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Starcom:_The_U.S._Space_Force) after an argument with his brother over where the pilots ship could dock.
I first noticed this a few years back while watching College Gameday by myself in my college apartment. A story came on about a player who had been paralyzed and was preparing to take his first steps in public while leading his team out of the tunnel for their first game of the year. Being the emotional train wreck that I am, I cried for 10 minutes. This continued during a trip to Detroit for the Super Bowl in January of 2006, only this time CBS was the culprit. Sitting with 10 friends in Detroit’s biggest bar (Hockeytown), watching the pre-game for the big game, having sipped “chardonnay” since approximately 6:30 a.m., 8 gallons of tear juice escaped during a story about retired football players. And I wasn’t the only one. But it is a disturbing trend. And Sportscenter, as they are known to do, completely beat this into the ground with a series called “My Wish”. Making men cry during their “Sports Time”, these segments focused on children who have faced adversity, and in some cases unthinkable odds, to overcome and realize a dream to connect with an athlete of their choice. It has gotten to the point where my buddy Aaron has deemed this year’s round to be a disappointment for not being “as moving” as years past. I disagree. And they are sometimes tough to watch. But it is the best TV you will see. Unless you watch Science of Love.
Joking.
Plaster of Paris
She is free. I’ll leave the rest of the coverage to Larry King. Speaking of Larry King, he has to be a little upset with his life. He is the hard hitting reporter who gets the top guests for CNN. In fact, tonight he has Colin Powell. Last night? Paris Hilton. That’s like asking Wolf Blitzer to sit down with Dakota Fanning. Quit now Larry. Or soon you’ll be doing the Kids Choice Awards on Nickelodeon with one of the metro sexual Lawrence brothers and humming a Fergie song while you read the Wall Street Journal. Seriously, think about a change.
Lake 1, Jahbanni 0
I have to admit, this one is not on me. A few weeks back while fishing a state park in a pontoon boat, my buddy Diddy was using one of my fishing rods. Fishing to a steep rock wall with overhanging trees, everyone in the boat at one point or another managed to get a line snagged in a tree. At one point, Diddy cast into a tree. The tree, not wanting to give the lure back, apparently decided to win one for the lake. A wicked tug-o-war ensued until Diddy gave in, let go of the rod and sent it like a Robin Hood arrow to the bottom of the lake. I didn’t catch any fish that day, and the lake caught one of my rods. Kharma.
For his troubles, Diddy fell out of a chair three times that day. A cold, dark day in fishing history. Somewhere the evil Bob Barker is riding a Segway with no pants, a gun holster, and a lucha libre mask, cackling hysterically while holding a fishing rod in his left hand.
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