All Over You, All Over Smee?

The Lindsay Lohan saga took a new turn this week when she was arrested for suspicion of driving under the influence, which was only slightly surprising considering she was voluntarily wearing an alcohol ankle monitor. Cry for help? No. Complete insanity? More likely. Oh, and Lohan also had coke in her pocket. Not a Tony Montana portion, but enough to make you wonder what type of service she received in rehab. She has single handily taken over the news – and for good reason – she was in a re-make of the Parent Trap originally starring Haley Mills (also known as Miss Bliss from the early years of Saved by The Bell). Oh and don’t forget the re-make of the Herbie the love-bug movie. Only Paris Hilton has gotten more attention for less talent.

Almost simultaneously, former media darling turned public break-downer Britney Spears allegedly cleaned dog poo with a loaned Chanel dress. And this was after she wiped grease from fried chicken on a separate dress, given to her for purposes of a photo shoot. Given her recent pink wig escapades, this would come in somewhere on the normal side of the spectrum. It was also reported that she was constantly fleeing to the bathroom, only to return with a red nose and different mood. Hmmm…colds are the worst aren’t they?

Around this time, NFL star Michael Vick was indicted on charges of operating a vicious dog-fighting ring. I hate to think about the full scope of this sickness, but I also have to believe that had his potential punishment been a fistfight with a pissed off grizzly bear, none of this would have happened. Alas, this was looked at so poorly that even Al Sharpton came out AGAINST him. You know it is a crime when Al Sharpton condemns you before the trial. Oh wait, yeah those Duke lacrosse players were innocent, huh? Hmmm.

Oh, and one day this week NBA commish David Stern woke up, stirred some Sanka, grabbed a knish (pronounced ka-nish) and sat down at the porcelain altar with the New York Times only to read about one of his referees fixing games in order to pay off Vito Corleone. My own prediction: David Stern is currently under doctor care for severe burns to his thighs caused by a Sanka spill during this episode.

Remember Bud Selig? The marble mouthed commissioner of Major League Baseball? He announced that he would make sure he is present for any game in which Barry Bonds has a chance to break the home run record currently held by Hank Aaron. This came as Bonds, along with Gary Sheffield, were accused again of being involved in the steroid ring that is gripping Major League Baseball.

Speaking of steroids, South African senior citizen and golf legend Gary Player chirped of multiple players on the PGA confiding in him that they use the performance enhancing drugs. A few things on this … 1) I was going to confide in Player about a few things, but I don’t want the press to know I own Anaconda on DVD. 2) Performance Enhancing Thugs = my new rap group. 3) Google image Brad Faxon. Steroids, huh?

Oh and another Tour De Farce, er France, rider was tossed from the bike journey race thing for “doping,” meaning obviously he had either partied recently with Lohan or Bonds, or possibly even Player. If only anyone cared.

Lost in all of this is that no politician has been smeared or buried by a scandal in the meantime. While we are busy condemning all the major sports and most of the major entertainment icons, we missed the usual suspects keeping their noses clean (honestly, no pun intended). Golf claps to them. But honestly take note of what the past week or two has brought us. I think I know what is going on … bear with me.

Santa Claus left a brick of coke in the chimney of Macaulay Culkin, who was on vacation with Jose “Chico” Lind and Dennis Hopper. Culkin returned to see the stash, and worriedly called Bam Morris and Lou Diamond Phillips. The three of them split the stash and went their separate ways. Phillips called Kevin Bacon, who he figured would be a good pusher due to his 6 degreeability. Bacon, through Todd Bridges (otherwise known as Willis from Diff’rent Strokes) planted a substantial amount of the white stuff in a pair of pants owned by Farrah Fawcet. Lindsay Lohan stayed at Fawcet’s house the night before her arrest.

Meanwhile, Bam Morris called Adam West for help pushing his stash. West thought he knew of a way to mask the trade of drugs through a sporting event. Enter former NBA center, and Adam West confidant Darryl Dawkins. Dawkins, through a previous one night relationship with Tanya Harding, knew a guy in Virginia that ran a lucrative dog fighting ring. Dawkins contacted local legend and current NFL star Michael Vick for help. Vick, owner of the sole descendant of the spawn of the original Lassie and Rin-tin-tin, offered his help. Rin-tin-tin and Lassie’s son Fred eventually won the title of toughest dog in Virginia, allowing Vick to take over the ring and push Morris’ portion of the cocaine.

Culkin was still not convinced this was a good idea, although Santa had never led him wrong in the past. The two had a long history, meeting on the set of Home Alone, and shortly thereafter having Claus takeover as Culkin’s legal guardian after Culkin divorced his parents. But how could he be sure? Culkin called his friend Paul Giamatti, famed actor and son of former MLB Commissioner Bart Giamatti. Through Giamatti’s contacts, Culkin was able to arrange a sit down between Bonds and Selig and contacted Sheffield to create a diversion so nobody would know. Sheffield then opined that Latin American players were easier to control than African Americans, and Selig and Bonds met in peace. The result of that meeting was that Selig would be present for Bonds’ home run moment, allowing the aforementioned Chico Lind to push Culkin’s portion of the coke at stadiums such as Pittsburgh’s PNC Park, where almost nobody goes, with less media scrutiny.

Through his connections in the newspaper, Rober Duvall was able to reprise his Tom Hagan role and plant a story of new accusations made towards Bonds and Sheffield, thereby releasing the coke hounds to sell Santa’s stash in peace. He was also able to convince Kevin Federline to mend fences with Britney Spears by making him an offer he couldn’t refuse (7 more minutes of fame), which allowed Spears to horde more media attention to her train-wreck life. While security forces and media were covering this mess … the pieces fell into place.

It’s not over.

Lance Armstrong, longtime friend of Santa Claus, was able to convince the Russian rider in the Tour de France to get caught doping so as to create a massive media diversion. David Stern, legitimately embroiled in a controversy with the mob, turned to friend and confidant Bob Hoskins for help around this time. Hoskins told Stern to have a press conference and to make sure all media and security were present. So at the cross roads this week we had Lindsay Lohan getting caught with cocaine, Britney Spears doing the atrocious interview and wiping poo and grease on dresses, Michael Vick getting caught in a dog fighting ring, Barry Bonds and Bud Selig news, another bicycle doper, and David Stern explaining why the mob had infiltrated the NBA. All were due to a special present from Santa Claus to Macaulay Culkin. And all of these stories have dominated the news over the past week. Why? Because the media would be so busy they would hardly notice the pirate who had replaced Dick Cheney as Vice President. Smee. That’s right. Bob Hoskins is behind all of this. He loved his character Smee in the 1991 classic Hook. He was hell bent on overthrowing Dustin Hoffman, and once this happened, his sights were set much higher. The world.

So don’t blame Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, David Stern, Michael Vick, Russia, Bud Selig or Barry Bonds. Blame Bob Hoskins and beware “Smee ‘08” signs.