Tuesday Tidbits - Backiotomy Edition

No intro today. Well, except this little bit. We are getting right to it.


Yankees Sign Clemens, Pirates Consider Countermeasures
The New York Yankees shocked approximately zero people yesterday when they announced the signing of Roger Clemens for the remainder of the season. He will make $4.5 million a month to pitch for the minions of Steinbrenner and will undoubtedly be a major factor in the inevitable Yankee run towards the playoffs.

The Pittsburgh Pirates, in an apparent attempt to keep up with the Yankees, have announced the signing of Elroy Face to a pro-rated contract that will pay the 79 year-old star of yesteryear an average of $213 a month for the remainder of the season. Face went 7-5 in his last year with the Pirates in 1967 and will likely move directly into the bull-pen.

Dave Littlefield described the signing as, “…smart. The obvious move and fiscally responsible to boot.” He had been drinking.

I am Old
It is official. How do I know? Because on Saturday morning, I put my left arm straight up into the air and craned my head backwards to stretch. Why does this make me old? Because when I did this, former WWE great Bob Backlund put me into a cross face chicken wing while Shredder of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and X-Men’s Wolverine simultaneously attacked a small area between my left shoulder blade and neck. There was good reason for this strain, however. I had a very strenuous and physically taxing Friday consisting of picking up boulders and dragging dump trucks. And by picking up boulders and dragging dump trucks I mean fishing and golfing. Rough, I know.

Spending the rest of the weekend writhing in pain made me realize a few things.

1) Whoever came up with the name BenGay grossly underestimated the effect the product could have on the human race. It should be called BenAwesome or BenInsanelyGood. Calling it BenGay is insensitive and a little offensive.

2) The movie Flags of our Fathers takes a perfectly good, and visually appealing, WWII flick and in the last 15 minutes turns it into a father-son sob story. Thanks, Clint Eastwood. You were Dirty Harry, a song by the Gorillaz, and now you tried to make me cry. Uncool.

3) http://www.pfizerch.com/brand.aspx?id=261 Notice the right side of the screen which shows a human (camouflaged as a topographical map) being affected by pain, represented as a glowing yellow orb. So apparently the cure for my ailment is to remove a glowing yellow orb somewhere in between my shoulder blade and my neck. Good place to start. BenGreat has done it again.

4) I could very easily fit in among homeless people. At one point on Sunday, I reeked of BenPerfect, hadn’t showered in a day, had a small afro and a massive mustard stain on my thermal. Watch out overpass population, I’m ready!

I Wonder What the Germans Think Now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFQJPeuU5H8&mode=related&search=

This is a special day for me. This is the first time I have ever witnessed David Hasselhoff drunk, laying on the floor, and eating a Wendy’s hamburger while filming a video of a Baldwinian fathering moment. By all accounts, this is actually pretty sad. However, I cannot get past the visual of a shirtless Hasselhoff strewn across a seemingly empty floor while attempting to devour the world’s messiest burger. Basically this is Alec Baldwin making his phone call while wearing a dress and eating a pizza with chopsticks.

Also, realize that Germany’s former favorite son was filmed by his daughter. This means she leaked the video and allowed it to be posted on YouTube. This means she is great. She took a few minutes of verbal abuse and turned it into hours of entertainment for everyone else. Thank you spawn of Hasselhoff. You may not lead a normal life, but you are a hero to us all.


More this week…