Tuesday Tidbits - Prison Edition

According to TMZ Paris Hilton has hired a new lawyer in a desperate attempt to keep her from going to jail on DUI charges. This is great for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that it appears that we are getting closer to answering the question that has seemingly tormented the country for so long: Does Paris Hilton know how to make a prison shank?

It is unlikely that we will get to find out for sure, but that doesn’t have to stop us from wondering. It also doesn’t have to stop us from weighing her chances of survival against those of a former prison dweller; you guessed it, Frank Stallone. For the purposes of this comparison Frank Stallone will be Martha Stewart.

The categories will include issues that will have, or in the case of Martha had, effects on the probability of survival inside the slammer. We obviously know that Stewart survived her stay in the Maximum Security Lockdown (located squarely on some of the Hamptons’ finest acreage), so we will weigh her actual stay versus the possible slumber party for Paris. Let’s get to it.

Nature of Crime

There are certain crimes considered to be off limits even to hardened criminals. For instance, child sex offenders are generally not invited to other inmates Tupperware parties in jail. Most of them are at some point killed or at least severely beaten for their transgressions. Paris Hilton, thankfully, will not have to deal with this inconvenience. She will be in for a DUI conviction and for looking like a bird. The bird part could hurt her in the long run, but since her sentence would only be 45 days, she should be ok.

Stewart, on the other hand, was prosecuted by the Securities and Exchange Commission for securities fraud, which basically amounts to insider trading on Wall Street. Would the other inmates look at this as being British to their colonists? Or would they fear the devious ways of a home living mogul?

Edge: Hilton. By adding that after she was arrested, she put cherry bombs in the toilets of the prosecutors and their families, Paris could probably trump up the charges to her inmates a little more realistically than Stewart could. Plus, Paris looks like a bird and people who are locked up have a well known fear of birds. They just do.

Ability to Fit In

While the crime committed can immediately help you gain or lose respect in the pen, there is still room for latching on with prison gangs or making the right friends to keep you alive. Martha Stewart is like a chameleon. She is comfortable hanging out with P. Diddy or even trading stocks with insider information. Most people can’t do both. Martha can cook. Pies, cakes, pastas, crumpets, preserves, beef stroganoff – you name it. Inmates like food. And Martha doesn’t pull any punches. She will lay it all out there whether you like it or not. Especially if you mess up a recipe.

Paris, on the other hand, will not have a red carpet to stand on unless there is a stabbing. And not to beat a dead cardinal, but since inmates are scared of birds, Paris may have a harder time making friends.

Edge: Martha. Making cookies and baskets will warm the hearts and tummies of her inmates and her underhanded nature will endear her to their most evil qualities.

Fighting Ability

This is a tough one. While Paris is slender and seemingly completely helpless, she does carry a bedazzled cell-phone. And that means that she may have the ability to bedazzle her knuckles or elbows as well. This could cause serious damage in a fight. Think of a Paris Hilton bedazzled elbow as a piece of sand paper with shrapnel attached. Very painful.

Martha, on the other hand has the unmatched ability to create crafts out of ridiculous objects. Meaning her prison shank production would be virtually unparalleled in the slammer, save for MacGyver getting locked up. In addition, Martha has an innate meanness that Hilton’s clueless nature cannot match. This is becoming clearer by the second. In fact, we’ll just stop here.

Edge: Martha. As I pondered this, one fact stuck out. Say Martha and Paris got into it with each other in the prison yard. No shanks, no bedazzled elbows, just a drop the gloves and go fistfight. Do you really think that Paris would have the slightest chance in this? Martha has man-hands. Martha is street-smart. And Martha has man-hands. Think Mr. T vs. Dustin Diamond. Unless Paris harnesses her inner bird and pulls a Daniel-san like crane kick from the depths of her abilities, this is a one punch bout.

Wildcard

Throwing everything else out the window, this is where we question the overall will of the combatants to survive. It cannot be categorized. It cannot be reasonably broken down. But we’ll try anyway. As we’ve previously discussed, Paris is a bird. Birds have to survive in the wild. Paris would seemingly want to survive in the pen as well. Except that she is more like a house trained Parrott than an awe-inspiring Bald Eagle. She is used to a certain lifestyle that includes greasy men, expensive cars, and having no discernable talents other than super winner of the Parent-Lottery.

Stewart is a self-made chamillionaire. She has scratched and clawed for everything she got in life, save for the information that led to her arrest. Her ability to adapt to a situation and overcome adversity make this a complete runaway.

Edge: Martha. Re-read the previous paragraph if you are unconvinced.

What We Have Learned

Based on the categories above, Martha Stewart is more readily prepared to survive a prison stay than Paris Hilton. This is true in a sense because Stewart has already survived one. In the long run, however, I have no doubts that Paris will never set foot in a jail cell. And if she does, her bird-like aura will keep harm at arms length. Good luck Paris!