Tuesday Tidbits - Edition Edition

- It has been a pretty low-key week in all reality. However, a few things did catch my eye enough for me to make a few comments. Starting now…. Go.

- I watched Wheel of Fortune last week, though I don’t remember what night. While this may not seem like news, what I saw on the show should be. The show was on site in San Diego, which coincidentally was discovered by the Germans. Regardless, towards the tail end of the show a young lady named Cari was in the process of doing bad things to the board. The category was “Scene” and Cari had gone about guessing every letter but one on the entire board. She had built up a nice little sum of cash, but was still behind the leader by a pretty wide margin. This is what was left on the board at the time: P I C T U R E S _ U E and then some other words that amounted to MOUNTAIN LAKE. Cari had the option of solving the puzzle or spinning again, and like any smart person she decided to….spin again. And truthfully this was not necessarily a bad choice. She had the opportunity to win additional money and close the gap between her and the lady in first place. So she spun and avoided the bankrupt pie piece, landing on an unimportant amount of money. Pat Sajak, host of Wheel of Fortune and likely pervert, gestured confidently to Cari to finish the puzzle and claim her few hundred dollars.

“H.” This is the letter Cari chose to complete the above word. This obviously completed the puzzle as a PICTURESHUE MOUNTAIN LAKE. Pat Sajak was awestruck. Seven people in the crowd threw up. One snorted the powdered sugar off a funnel cake and passed out. Cari, on the other hand, just stood there. She wasn’t joking. But she is a teacher. I gave you a lot of space there to let that sink in. She is in charge of edumacating our youth. And she couldn’t even spell PICTURESDUE! What a maroon!

- Pat Sajak has one of those names you just want to switch the important consonants around and say constantly. Sat Pajak. Kat Japak. Jat Pasak. And on and on you can go. But he’s still a pervert.

- The Bachelor continues to take cliché and bad TV to entirely new levels of horribility (not a word – yet). According to the announcer, next week Andy the Bachelor will make the “…toughest decision – EVER.” Really? Tougher than the decision to drop the bomb during WWII? Tougher than deciding whether to put a loved one in a nursing home? So you are telling me, TV Announcer Guy, that choosing someone to date on TV is tougher than choosing “H” instead of “Q” on Wheel of Fortune? You, sir, are a dullard. Fortunately for all of us, that was just a snippet of the awkward brilliance of this show. I can say this because:

- 1) At one point, the bachelor described his feelings for a female contestant as, “Electricity in my soul.”

- 2) Another contestant, Bevin, while auditioning to be the next Mrs. Bachelor, showed off her patriotism with what appeared to be a full scale replica bald-eagle tattoo on her lower back and some Asian writings on her shoulder, not to mention an ankle bracelet tattoo. That’s it. Just wanted to pass this along.

- 3) The bachelor compared a journey over a suspension bridge as a metaphor for a relationship.

- 4) The bachelor, a doctor and naval officer of obvious intelligence, borrowed a catch phrase from Paris Hilton to describe an ill-advised foray into native Hawaiian dance.

- 5) Chris Harrison, the “host” still has a job. Has there ever been a TV personality of less consequence than Chris Harrison? In fact, I’m guessing that he hasn’t been sober for an episode in three years. What does he really do? He gets 30 seconds of air-time every episode for the “final rose” ceremony and the Oscar worthy, “Ladies…say your goodbye’s,” line. The other 12 hours of filming probably consist of him in a sweat suit with a fifth of beefeater and a jar of olives. Honestly, I’m a little jealous. And if he’s not married, you know he chases the rejected women. And this makes him large sums of money. Wow.

- I am pretty much obsessed with Fantasy Baseball. I spend a great deal of time analyzing personnel moves, which I make entirely too often. Fantasy football already takes up a good portion of every fall and the other day I realized there is Fantasy Fishing as well. This will soon extend even further for the ironic and impossible Real Life Fantasy. You will be able to draft every day people and get points for their daily actions. There will be categories to allow you compete in different categories which will include individual members of families, and every discernable member of society. Be careful if you choose drug dealers or politicians – while they have the ability to rack up big points, their unpredictable ways can lead to big losses. Someone come up with the details and get back to me.

That’s it.